0 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:13,000 Downloaded from xPau.se 1 00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:31,199 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 2 00:00:31,366 --> 00:00:32,406 [CAR HORNS HONKING] 3 00:00:32,575 --> 00:00:34,575 [♪♪♪] 4 00:00:35,829 --> 00:00:39,119 [SIRENS WAILING] 5 00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:33,852 Excuse me. 6 00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:36,057 Excuse me? 7 00:01:36,222 --> 00:01:37,972 I know you. 8 00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,103 - Don't I know you? - No. 9 00:01:52,447 --> 00:01:54,867 MAN: Hey, hey, hold that door! 10 00:02:06,085 --> 00:02:07,745 [CHATTERING] 11 00:02:08,379 --> 00:02:10,009 You cold? You need something to warm you up? 12 00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:12,513 No. You know what you can do, you can burn this whole place down... 13 00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:14,295 ...so I don't have to do this fucking nostalgia night. 14 00:02:14,469 --> 00:02:16,679 Prepare yourself, it's not as big a house as they thought. 15 00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:18,926 - I think the weather kept people home. - See the marquee? 16 00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:22,768 It's like Night of the Living Dead. I should fire you for this. 17 00:02:22,936 --> 00:02:25,856 then you'll get a gray hair in a place you thought... 18 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:27,982 ...God would be nice enough to just leave alone. 19 00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,279 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 20 00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,822 - I'm liking menopause. Makes me surly. - JACKIE: Ahem. 21 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,946 - JIMMIE: Jackie B. - Hey. 22 00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:37,163 - Jimmie Walker. - Jackie. Jackie Burke. 23 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,535 Man, thanks for coming. I really appreciate it. 24 00:02:39,702 --> 00:02:40,872 Thanks for having me. 25 00:02:41,037 --> 00:02:45,377 Hey, look. Small crowd, but they're very, very lively. 26 00:02:45,542 --> 00:02:47,842 Well, you know, I can play to one person. 27 00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:49,712 Sometimes I play with myself. 28 00:02:49,879 --> 00:02:53,089 - Heh. Jackie. It's a family audience. - Good. 29 00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:55,548 BRETT: ...you do one joke about a gray snatch hair. 30 00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,888 So you find the gray hair... 31 00:02:58,054 --> 00:03:00,974 And then he said, "Okay. You know you have to brush this on." 32 00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:03,810 Which, oh, quelle surprise, I thought I'd just shake it up... 33 00:03:03,977 --> 00:03:06,557 ...pour it down till it quit burning, have a hot apple pie. 34 00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:08,359 [LAUGHING] 35 00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:10,153 It's like I'm an addled girl. 36 00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:14,396 He goes, "You have to sit there with your legs apart for a half hour." 37 00:03:14,571 --> 00:03:18,661 "Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how do you think we got the fence painted?" 38 00:03:18,825 --> 00:03:20,325 [CHEERS AND LAUGHTER] 39 00:03:20,535 --> 00:03:22,905 That's my proudest joke. 40 00:03:24,289 --> 00:03:26,289 WOMAN 1: You're the best under fire! 41 00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:27,877 WOMAN 2: We love you, Grace! 42 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:32,962 JIMMIE: Miss Grace Under Fire, Miss Brett Butler! 43 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,350 - How you doing? - If I ever do one of these again, shoot me. 44 00:03:39,512 --> 00:03:41,312 Don't worry. I'll do us both with one bullet. 45 00:03:41,472 --> 00:03:45,312 We got a guy coming on now. A legend, ladies and gentlemen. 46 00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:50,186 Hickory Dickory Dock, I got to roll back the clock. 47 00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:54,316 That's right. Because we are ready to bring up a young man that... 48 00:03:54,485 --> 00:03:57,195 ...when he was on TV... 49 00:03:57,363 --> 00:04:00,123 ...there was no electricity. 50 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:04,913 When he was on TV, Little House on the Prairie was just a shack... 51 00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,209 ...ladies and gentlemen. 52 00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:09,002 - He is devastating... - What am I getting for this gig? 53 00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:13,667 You get a percentage of the door. So that's, uh, $11 and a burger. 54 00:04:13,838 --> 00:04:16,878 - Your commission's gonna be a pickle. - Sure. Like always. 55 00:04:17,050 --> 00:04:23,430 The man that you know from the hit sitcom Eddie's Home. 56 00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:29,348 Ladies and gentlemen, let's put our hands together for Eddie. 57 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:33,610 - Arlene. - Eddie, look. I carved a pumpkin. 58 00:04:35,777 --> 00:04:37,487 Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. 59 00:04:37,654 --> 00:04:40,704 - Arlene, when your son decides... - MAN: We love your hair. 60 00:04:40,865 --> 00:04:42,655 ...to dress up like a ballerina... 61 00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:45,656 ...it's no longer about trick-or-treating. 62 00:04:45,828 --> 00:04:48,708 Eddie, he's only 11 and a half. 63 00:04:48,873 --> 00:04:52,003 Give him a chance to find himself. He needs to explore. 64 00:04:52,168 --> 00:04:54,838 - Arlene. Arlene. - MAN: Explore. 65 00:04:55,004 --> 00:04:56,424 Arlene! 66 00:04:56,589 --> 00:05:01,509 Mr. Jackie Burke is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. 67 00:05:01,678 --> 00:05:03,888 - You staying? - Yeah. I'll drive you home. 68 00:05:04,055 --> 00:05:06,215 Jackie Burke is here. 69 00:05:06,391 --> 00:05:07,641 Holy cow. 70 00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:10,104 Eddie's home! 71 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:13,113 ♪ Eddie's home ♪♪ 72 00:05:13,398 --> 00:05:15,068 Give it up. 73 00:05:15,692 --> 00:05:19,492 Give it up for JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker. 74 00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:25,584 He's the living proof that black might not crack, but it definitely decomposes. 75 00:05:25,785 --> 00:05:26,825 [LAUGHTER] 76 00:05:26,995 --> 00:05:30,155 ALL [CHANTING]: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 77 00:05:32,458 --> 00:05:35,878 Yeah. I know a lot of you are here because you love Eddie. Yeah. 78 00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:38,375 Well, I have bad news for you. 79 00:05:38,548 --> 00:05:40,218 - Eddie died. - AUDIENCE: Aww. 80 00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:41,933 JACKIE: Yeah. 81 00:05:42,093 --> 00:05:44,513 Yeah. He died a long time ago, 30 years ago... 82 00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:47,309 ...along with my career and Brett Butler's eggs. 83 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,675 - Oh! - Okay. Enough about me. 84 00:05:49,851 --> 00:05:52,311 Let's talk about this abortion of a town you live in. 85 00:05:53,021 --> 00:05:57,361 Hicksville! How did they ever come up with a name like "Hicksville"? 86 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,395 I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia. 87 00:05:59,569 --> 00:06:01,449 It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth." 88 00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:02,662 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 89 00:06:02,822 --> 00:06:06,662 So why don't you change your name to something more pleasant like Somalia? 90 00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:08,746 But don't worry, Hicksville. 91 00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:11,411 When you grow up, you, also, can change your name. 92 00:06:11,581 --> 00:06:14,211 I changed my name. I wasn't always Jackie. 93 00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:17,165 When I was born, my parents named me, you know what? Jakov. 94 00:06:17,336 --> 00:06:18,496 No! 95 00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:23,551 Jakov Berkowitz. Yeah. That's right. It's that big, girls. 96 00:06:24,719 --> 00:06:28,259 I mean, even the Jewish kids beat me up with a name like that. 97 00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:30,061 [LAUGHING] 98 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:33,274 Can I help you all with something, huh? Huh? 99 00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:36,056 - What's going on here? - Bachelorette party! 100 00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:37,570 [CHEERING] 101 00:06:37,774 --> 00:06:40,324 Bachelorette party! Oh! 102 00:06:40,485 --> 00:06:42,235 Eight girls sharing one brain. 103 00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:43,493 [LAUGHS] 104 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:45,704 - Who's the lucky girl? - I am. 105 00:06:45,865 --> 00:06:47,575 Don't look so happy, sweetheart. 106 00:06:47,742 --> 00:06:50,372 Right now, your fiancé's in a strip club licking whipped cream... 107 00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:52,206 ...out of some girl's asshole. 108 00:06:52,371 --> 00:06:53,921 [LAUGHING] 109 00:06:54,082 --> 00:06:57,342 Hey, come on, don't get sad. I'm just breaking your balls. 110 00:06:57,502 --> 00:07:00,512 You're getting married to one dick for the rest of your life. 111 00:07:00,713 --> 00:07:02,223 [WHOOPING] 112 00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:05,051 What could be more exciting than that? 113 00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,010 Yay! 114 00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:10,390 Oh, my God, Jackie. You shouldn't do marriage jokes. 115 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:12,386 O.J. Simpson was a better husband than you. 116 00:07:13,101 --> 00:07:17,361 It's not about you, you selfish bastard. It's about them. 117 00:07:17,522 --> 00:07:19,942 Keep it light and fun and positive. 118 00:07:20,108 --> 00:07:25,488 Marriage will suck every speck of life out of your soul... 119 00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:30,445 ...until there's nothing left but one big, giant, festering sore. 120 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,538 [CLAPPING AND CHEERING] 121 00:07:33,246 --> 00:07:34,826 Good luck. 122 00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:38,383 It's not just me. I don't think humans were meant to be married. 123 00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:40,503 I mean, you want a relationship? 124 00:07:40,670 --> 00:07:43,380 Get a canary, get a fish. Get a fucking chicken. 125 00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:44,589 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 126 00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:46,177 Get a dog. 127 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:49,222 A dog is always happy to see you. A dog doesn't judge you. 128 00:07:49,387 --> 00:07:50,807 The dog is just there. 129 00:07:50,972 --> 00:07:54,642 I'm late, my dog's like, "Hey, Jackie, no big deal." 130 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,311 I forget to feed him, "It's okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck. 131 00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:00,819 I gotta lose some weight. It's all right." 132 00:08:00,982 --> 00:08:02,822 I come home smelling like pussy, and he doesn't get mad. 133 00:08:02,984 --> 00:08:04,444 He just wags his tail and licks my fingers. 134 00:08:04,610 --> 00:08:07,780 Enough of this "dog" shit! Come on, do "Eddie." 135 00:08:07,947 --> 00:08:09,867 Not now, pal, please. Can you help me out? 136 00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:13,202 Yeah. No. I didn't come here to hear new shit. 137 00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:16,499 - I came to see Eddie. - MAN 1: Shut up. 138 00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:19,214 Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be down at the playground... 139 00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:22,665 - ...luring kids into a windowless van? - MAN 2: Hodor! 140 00:08:22,837 --> 00:08:23,917 Ha, ha. 141 00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:25,718 Hey, I'm the audience. 142 00:08:25,882 --> 00:08:28,842 You're here to entertain me. You work for me. 143 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,681 - AUDIENCE: Ooh. - You hear that? I work for him. 144 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:35,350 All right, boss, how about you give me an early Christmas bonus... 145 00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,636 ...and tongue my balls. 146 00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:39,852 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND WHISTLING] 147 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,360 Calm down. You chose this career, you fucking idiot. 148 00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:46,735 You could've been a doctor or a lawyer... 149 00:08:46,903 --> 00:08:50,663 ...but you chose to beg drunken strangers for love and attention. 150 00:08:50,823 --> 00:08:54,993 Just try to make everyone happy, so you can go home and jerk off. 151 00:08:55,161 --> 00:08:57,541 Hey, look, man. I don't wanna fight. Let's be friends. 152 00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:01,075 Can someone do me a favor, get a drink for this guy... 153 00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:03,750 ...and a bag of oats for his wife? 154 00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:07,342 - Bullshit. You getting this, Amy? - I don't want that shit in our webisode. 155 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:10,376 Webisode? Your shit? What web...? What the fuck are you doing? 156 00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,471 Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down. 157 00:09:12,637 --> 00:09:15,767 - Webisode 19. - What you doing? Are you taping me? 158 00:09:15,932 --> 00:09:18,642 This is my show, old man. I'm here to take you down. 159 00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,649 - Give me that. - No, you give me that mic. 160 00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:23,731 - Take me down? What are you doing? - Wanna go joke to joke with me, Eddie? 161 00:09:23,898 --> 00:09:26,818 - Take your hands off my mic. - You wanna dance? Let's go. 162 00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:29,204 - Let go of the mic. - This is my show, buddy. 163 00:09:29,362 --> 00:09:30,572 You getting this, Amy? This is my show. 164 00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:33,318 You're the joke, old man. You're the fucking joke. 165 00:09:33,491 --> 00:09:35,241 - You want the mic? You want it? - Yeah. 166 00:09:35,451 --> 00:09:37,701 [GRUNTING AND PEOPLE SCREAM] 167 00:09:38,204 --> 00:09:41,254 Oh, shit! Baby! 168 00:09:41,916 --> 00:09:44,916 What is wrong with you? You crazy bastard! 169 00:09:46,462 --> 00:09:48,922 Oh, my God, are you okay? 170 00:09:49,090 --> 00:09:51,050 And I'm here to take you down. 171 00:09:51,217 --> 00:09:54,097 What the fuck are you doing, my friend? Give me that goddamn... 172 00:09:54,262 --> 00:09:59,102 [IN DISTORTED VOICE] No, you give me that mic. 173 00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:04,227 Your Honor, as you can clearly see, Mr. Severin grabbed Mr. Berkowitz first. 174 00:10:04,397 --> 00:10:09,987 Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin several times to desist, and he refused. 175 00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:12,612 - Wanna go joke to joke with me? - Let go of the mic. 176 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,990 - Let go of the mic. - You're the joke, old man. 177 00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,447 Any objection to probation? 178 00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:20,371 With a strong public apology and substantial community service. 179 00:10:22,832 --> 00:10:26,212 - Jakob Berkowitz, please rise. - JUDGE: Jakob Berkowitz... 180 00:10:26,377 --> 00:10:29,207 ...the court understands there are mitigating circumstances... 181 00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:31,510 ...but nothing excuses your retaliation. 182 00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:36,104 It is in the judgment of this court that you serve 100 hours of community service. 183 00:10:36,262 --> 00:10:38,222 You will attend 10 anger-management sessions... 184 00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:40,889 ...and you will make an allocution and an apology. 185 00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:42,808 Do you understand, Mr. Berkowitz? 186 00:10:42,977 --> 00:10:44,017 - Yes, Your Honor. - Good. 187 00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:46,856 And in accordance with this agreement, are you prepared to change your plea... 188 00:10:47,023 --> 00:10:48,523 ...from "not guilty" to "guilty"? 189 00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,897 - Yeah. - Yes, Your Honor. 190 00:10:55,114 --> 00:10:57,534 "I admit to assault and battery on Mr. Severin." 191 00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,040 I recognize that I acted in a weak and violent manner... 192 00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:03,712 ...and I will aggressively take steps to ensure that it will never happen again. 193 00:11:03,873 --> 00:11:07,083 "I also apologize to the court and to my fans." 194 00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,502 Do you have anything to say to Mr. Severin? 195 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,675 Yes, Your Honor. 196 00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,262 Sorry. 197 00:11:17,887 --> 00:11:21,467 Come on, he can do better than that. This is insulting. I'm hurt. 198 00:11:22,475 --> 00:11:26,645 Excuse me, Your Honor, but I think the defendant can do better than that. 199 00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:28,812 Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage. 200 00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:31,691 Mr. Berkowitz, you wanna try that again? 201 00:11:38,199 --> 00:11:40,329 Mr. Berkowitz... 202 00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:44,709 [CHUCKLES] 203 00:11:44,914 --> 00:11:46,714 - No. - No? 204 00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:48,834 - No? - Mm. 205 00:11:49,043 --> 00:11:50,423 No. Your Honor... 206 00:11:50,586 --> 00:11:52,756 ...there's no way Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage... 207 00:11:52,922 --> 00:11:55,632 ...because according to the law, the way I understand it... 208 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,930 ...it has not been proven in this courtroom that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain. 209 00:11:59,095 --> 00:12:03,635 Mr. Berkowitz, do not test me today in my court. 210 00:12:03,808 --> 00:12:06,138 Look at him now, Your Honor. You can tell by his face. 211 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:08,480 The look like Donald Trump banged Alfred E. Neuman... 212 00:12:08,646 --> 00:12:10,266 ...after a night of snorting thalidomide. 213 00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:12,859 - Can he say that to me? - Order in the court. Order in the court. 214 00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:15,025 - Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough. - Jackie, that's enough. 215 00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:16,534 - Let me talk! - All right. 216 00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,235 JACKIE: It isn't about me, Your Honor. 217 00:12:18,406 --> 00:12:20,906 It's about the fate of humanity, which is in your hands. 218 00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:23,155 Look at him. He's with that woman. They were together that night. 219 00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:24,827 What if they breed? 220 00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:26,745 Are you serious? 221 00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,004 - LAWYER: Objection. - Get him out of here. 222 00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:31,286 - Mr. Berkowitz, you are in contempt. - LAWYER: We had a deal. 223 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,590 The people have changed their mind. No deal. 224 00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:37,384 Take him out of here. Nassau County Correctional Facility for 30 days. 225 00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:39,390 Order in the court. 226 00:12:46,976 --> 00:12:48,846 Up the stairs. 227 00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,441 All right, gentlemen, lock it in! 228 00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:56,069 [INMATES CHATTERING] 229 00:12:57,528 --> 00:12:59,658 Stop at the top of the landing. 230 00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:11,076 Walk in four feet and stop. 231 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,499 [INMATES CHATTERING] 232 00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:23,054 Okay, gentlemen. Ready? Let's give a warm welcome to our newest resident. 233 00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:25,719 ♪ He's the king of his castle ♪ 234 00:13:25,931 --> 00:13:27,271 [CUPS TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY] 235 00:13:27,433 --> 00:13:30,733 INMATES: ♪ Eddie's home Where he's making a scene ♪ 236 00:13:30,895 --> 00:13:34,605 ♪ Eddie's home With the kid and Arlene ♪ 237 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,193 ♪ Eddie's home... ♪ 238 00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:39,988 MAN: Suck my dick, asshole! You gonna be my bitch. 239 00:13:40,154 --> 00:13:42,914 ♪ ...or he's gonna kick your ass ♪♪ 240 00:13:43,282 --> 00:13:45,282 [♪♪♪] 241 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,975 MILLER: God, it's freezing. Let me turn on these seat warmers. 242 00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:13,563 Bet you didn't have those in there. 243 00:14:14,522 --> 00:14:16,522 I came up with some good stuff in there. 244 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,730 Smart. Good. 245 00:14:18,901 --> 00:14:21,321 I'd try it out on you, but you never, you know... 246 00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:24,447 - You have no sense of humor. - No, I don't. 247 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:27,160 I've never seen you laugh. Ever. 248 00:14:27,326 --> 00:14:29,196 - No, you haven't. - Why is that? 249 00:14:29,370 --> 00:14:32,750 Can you imagine if I had to be an audience for all my comics? 250 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,955 "You laughed at his joke, you didn't laugh at mine." 251 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,285 "You think he's funny? He's not even that funny." 252 00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:41,341 Forget it. I just react to no one, that way everybody feels equal. 253 00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:43,927 So you call that personal management? 254 00:14:44,093 --> 00:14:46,013 Your father, at least, had affection for his clients. 255 00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:49,008 Well, affection his clients didn't have for him. 256 00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:50,981 Got you the TV show, and you fired him. 257 00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:53,521 No, that was a William Morris package deal. Your father understood. 258 00:14:53,686 --> 00:14:55,476 Great. Just don't talk to me about affection. 259 00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:58,566 I'm not talking about affection. I'm talking about getting work. 260 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,992 You gotta stay in New York to serve out your sentence, right? 261 00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:03,071 There are no money gigs for you here. 262 00:15:03,237 --> 00:15:04,817 You can do club work, $30 a show. 263 00:15:04,989 --> 00:15:07,779 It will take you 7000 shows just to pay off your attorney. 264 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:12,000 I will get you Indian Casino, Princess Cruise... 265 00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,002 ...something like that in a few months. 266 00:15:14,164 --> 00:15:16,084 But as you know, they are hiring "Eddie." 267 00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,090 I mean, I'm... I'm hot now. I'm viral. 268 00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:22,213 Take advantage of it. Your father would've known how to do that. 269 00:15:22,381 --> 00:15:25,591 "Miller the Killer" I'd call him because your old man would kill to get me a gig. 270 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:29,309 Yeah. Yeah. He loved it when you called him that. 271 00:15:34,018 --> 00:15:36,398 It killed him when you stopped. 272 00:15:36,562 --> 00:15:38,312 Come on. 273 00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,373 MAC: Hey. 274 00:15:54,747 --> 00:15:56,577 Hey. 275 00:15:56,749 --> 00:16:00,749 - What are you doing here? - Happy Thanksgiving, baby. 276 00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:03,665 Thanks. You said you weren't coming. 277 00:16:04,298 --> 00:16:06,008 I flew in last night. 278 00:16:06,175 --> 00:16:08,795 - Get in the car. I'll take you to work. - I'm just gonna take the train. 279 00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:11,849 - It's freezing. Get in the fucking car. - I'm already... No. No. 280 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:13,814 I'm not gonna take a limo to the soup kitchen. 281 00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,854 - I'm not gonna do it. - Goddamn it. Follow us. 282 00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:18,098 MAN: Yes, Mr. Schiltz. 283 00:16:18,562 --> 00:16:20,732 Jesus, it's 80 in Boca. 284 00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:23,108 Well, then go home, Dad. 285 00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:26,822 Let me make this simple for you: I need you to come back. 286 00:16:26,987 --> 00:16:29,567 - That what you wanna hear? - I don't wanna hear anything. 287 00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:31,450 The place doesn't work the same without you. 288 00:16:31,617 --> 00:16:35,447 Those old people are not happy because you're not there to take care of them. 289 00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:38,331 We found something you're good at. Why walk away from that? 290 00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:41,629 See. That's what you do. Don't say things like that. 291 00:16:41,794 --> 00:16:44,214 - That's not nice. Don't... - I meant it as a compliment. 292 00:16:44,380 --> 00:16:46,880 It's not a compliment. How is that a compliment? 293 00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:50,469 You make me seem like I'm some kind of problem that needs to be solved. 294 00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:53,506 - Or like I can't figure things... - You are a problem. Heh, heh. 295 00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,768 - I'm not doing this on my block. - But I love you. 296 00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:59,604 - That isn't love. - Oh. 297 00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:02,855 My lawyer worked out an arrangement with the court, so you can finish... 298 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:06,903 - ...your community service in Florida. - You can't do that without me. 299 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,609 You can't do that without me. 300 00:17:08,779 --> 00:17:12,619 What's in New York for you? You got cheated on. You got dumped. 301 00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:13,913 - So what? - You got arrested. 302 00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:16,496 - So what? - These are not signs of success... 303 00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:18,372 ...in this city. 304 00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,293 - Go home, Dad. - Hey. 305 00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:26,259 A week from Monday's my birthday and you're having dinner with me. 306 00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:30,262 No ifs, ands or buts. You got it? Because... 307 00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:33,469 ♪ You are my sunshine My only sunshine ♪ 308 00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:35,177 You gotta be fucking kidding me. 309 00:17:35,347 --> 00:17:38,227 ♪ You make me happy When skies are gray ♪ 310 00:17:38,392 --> 00:17:39,482 Don't sing. 311 00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:41,273 ♪ You'll never know, dear How much I love you ♪ 312 00:17:41,437 --> 00:17:43,727 Okay to dinner. No singing. No more singing. 313 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,227 ♪ Please don't take my sunshine away ♪♪ 314 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,280 And having dinner with me is not a gift! 315 00:17:49,445 --> 00:17:52,065 I want a gift too! 316 00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,994 [♪♪♪] 317 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,641 Here he is. 318 00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:17,724 The prick who came in from the cold. 319 00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,930 Place looks good. 320 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,730 - It smells a lot more Jewish than before. - Heh-heh. 321 00:18:22,895 --> 00:18:25,975 Hey, Jay. You know my famous brother, Jackie Burke? 322 00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,228 - How you doing? - Hi, Jay. 323 00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:31,204 Probably needs money. 324 00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,991 [CHUCKLES] 325 00:18:33,197 --> 00:18:35,407 I need to talk to you. 326 00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:37,371 I was right? 327 00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:40,254 Jesus, I was kidding. 328 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,618 - So you need money? - No, it's fine. I'm fine. 329 00:18:43,791 --> 00:18:46,081 Just doing my community service over at the Apostles Mission. 330 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:48,251 I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd say hello. 331 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,760 Community service? I saw the fucking video. 332 00:18:50,923 --> 00:18:52,723 How could you let a heckler get to you like that? 333 00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:55,593 It wasn't about the heckling. It was the goddamn camera. 334 00:18:55,761 --> 00:18:58,891 You know what they were doing? Trying to use my act for their show. 335 00:18:59,056 --> 00:19:01,476 Create their show out of my act. It was crazy. 336 00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:03,642 - You looked crazy. - Yeah. So how are you? 337 00:19:03,811 --> 00:19:04,851 - I'm good. You? - Good. 338 00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,730 I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Look, the only thing is, I... I... 339 00:19:08,899 --> 00:19:12,109 I lost a lot of gigs the last four weeks because of what happened. 340 00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:15,947 And Miller's re-booking them, but I'm tapped out. I need a little... 341 00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:18,204 You know what? You got a lot of fucking nerve. 342 00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:21,327 - I don't see you. I don't hear from you. - It happened so fast. 343 00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:25,035 - They take your phone in prison. - I read in Google News you got arrested. 344 00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,077 - Like I'm nothing to you. - A lot of naked men. 345 00:19:27,251 --> 00:19:29,711 - Am I nothing to you? Is my family? - I was preoccupied. 346 00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,458 - Is that why...? - WOMAN: Jackie. 347 00:19:37,094 --> 00:19:38,604 Hello, Flo. 348 00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:43,733 - How nice to see you. - Nice to see you. 349 00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,442 - Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving to you. 350 00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:50,323 - We haven't seen you for how long? - Please... 351 00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:53,242 - Well, I was in prison. - Oh, no, long before that. 352 00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:56,112 - So nice to see you. - Nice to see you too. Nice to see you. 353 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,120 - How are the kids? - Kid. 354 00:19:58,282 --> 00:20:00,492 - We have one kid. - She's an adult now. 355 00:20:00,659 --> 00:20:02,789 - I forgot. Dementia. - JIMMY: Yeah. Yeah. 356 00:20:02,953 --> 00:20:04,253 - She's getting married. - Is she? 357 00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:07,293 Brittany's getting married? I thought she was a dyke. 358 00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:08,539 [FLO GROANS] 359 00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:11,209 You say "lesbian," asshole. 360 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:14,088 - Sorry. You're right. I meant "gay." - JIMMY: And they get married. 361 00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:16,966 - They can get married. - FLO: You don't have to come. 362 00:20:17,134 --> 00:20:18,434 He doesn't have to come. 363 00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:20,644 We sent you an invitation. We heard nothing. 364 00:20:20,804 --> 00:20:23,104 - I was in prison. I told you. - JIMMY: Before that. 365 00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:24,515 He doesn't have to come if he's busy. 366 00:20:24,683 --> 00:20:26,443 You don't have to come if it's too much trouble. 367 00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:29,192 - It's not too much trouble. - If it's too much trouble, don't come. 368 00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:31,864 I don't need the aggravation if it's trouble for you. 369 00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:34,234 - I don't want it to become a thing. - It's not a thing. 370 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:37,611 - If it's gonna be a thing, don't bother. - I don't think it's a thing. 371 00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:41,199 It's not a problem. It's not a thing. I would love to come. I'll be there. 372 00:20:43,327 --> 00:20:46,867 - It's a week from Sunday. Yes. - A week from Sunday? I will be there. 373 00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:52,959 So you wanna stay and have Thanksgiving dinner after we close? 374 00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:57,048 Not really. I have an excuse though, and I'll tell you what it is. 375 00:20:57,215 --> 00:21:01,175 I'm working at the mission. Double the hours off my sentence for Thanksgiving. 376 00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:08,138 God forbid you do it because it's nice. 377 00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:10,190 I need to speak to you... 378 00:21:10,354 --> 00:21:12,524 ...when you two are finished. 379 00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:16,692 Not in this house. 380 00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:24,121 - Oh, she hates me. - No, she doesn't hate you. 381 00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,584 She doesn't? 382 00:21:25,744 --> 00:21:28,164 Yeah, I was fucking with you. Of course she hates you. 383 00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:30,460 You never show up unless you need something. 384 00:21:30,624 --> 00:21:31,924 - That's it? - Yeah. 385 00:21:32,084 --> 00:21:34,924 Sensitive bitch. None of my wives hated you. 386 00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:38,087 You were never married to any of them long enough to meet me. 387 00:21:38,256 --> 00:21:40,126 So how much you need? 388 00:21:40,884 --> 00:21:43,894 I don't even remember. I'm so exhausted. 389 00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:46,676 Pop liked me better. 390 00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,020 JIMMY: Daddy did not like you better. 391 00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:51,564 - No, he didn't. - No, he didn't. 392 00:21:52,187 --> 00:21:55,817 Five thousand. No big deal. You know you'll get it back. 393 00:21:57,776 --> 00:22:00,696 "You'll get it back." Yeah, I'll get it back. 394 00:22:08,161 --> 00:22:10,251 Daddy loved you. You know that. 395 00:22:10,414 --> 00:22:11,964 He did. 396 00:22:16,670 --> 00:22:20,510 My daughter idolizes her famous uncle. 397 00:22:21,842 --> 00:22:23,392 You better show up. 398 00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:25,966 Thanks. 399 00:22:26,138 --> 00:22:27,428 And bring a gift. 400 00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:29,731 Oh. That's gonna be extra. 401 00:22:30,392 --> 00:22:31,892 Go on. 402 00:22:32,102 --> 00:22:34,102 [♪♪♪] 403 00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:42,900 JACKIE: Growing up... 404 00:22:43,071 --> 00:22:46,161 ...my family celebrated all the Thanksgiving traditions. 405 00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:50,004 My favorite was my Uncle Moshit's telling of the Thanksgiving story. 406 00:22:50,412 --> 00:22:52,582 Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. 407 00:22:52,748 --> 00:22:55,168 Wow, did Duck Dynasty get canceled? 408 00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:56,593 [LAUGHING] 409 00:22:56,752 --> 00:23:00,172 Chris Rock, what the fuck are you doing here? 410 00:23:00,338 --> 00:23:02,968 Hey, Chris, I was just telling my Thanksgiving story. 411 00:23:03,467 --> 00:23:06,387 Uncle Moshit told me that before the first Thanksgiving... 412 00:23:06,887 --> 00:23:09,807 ...the pilgrims thought that turkeys were sex objects. 413 00:23:09,973 --> 00:23:13,983 They couldn't fly, and "gobble-gobble" was Puritan for "blowjob." 414 00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:18,444 So when the Indians arrived, right after the Macy's Day Parade... 415 00:23:18,607 --> 00:23:20,687 ...they brought turkeys all trussed up. 416 00:23:20,859 --> 00:23:24,279 They were with cranberry sauce and gravy and potatoes... 417 00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:26,816 ...and the Pilgrims were like... They were pissed. 418 00:23:26,990 --> 00:23:30,660 They were like, "What are they doing? They're eating our fuck birds." 419 00:23:30,827 --> 00:23:33,457 But you know, being Puritans, they don't wanna be rude. 420 00:23:33,622 --> 00:23:36,042 But you know what? It turned out... 421 00:23:36,208 --> 00:23:41,918 ...that the turkeys tasted even better than going down on their wives! 422 00:23:42,089 --> 00:23:43,219 [LAUGHING] 423 00:23:43,381 --> 00:23:44,801 Yeah! 424 00:23:45,842 --> 00:23:47,972 Would you believe that? That's the truth. 425 00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:50,346 So, what do you think the Puritans did? 426 00:23:50,514 --> 00:23:54,894 The Puritans stopped fucking the turkeys and started fucking the Indians instead. 427 00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:56,770 That's how we stole their country... 428 00:23:56,937 --> 00:23:59,897 ...and made the turkey our national bird. 429 00:24:02,609 --> 00:24:04,739 - Supervisor's office? - There. Yeah. 430 00:24:04,903 --> 00:24:06,453 - Up there? - Mm-hm. 431 00:24:15,163 --> 00:24:18,583 HARMONY: You really are a piece of shit, you know that, George? 432 00:24:18,750 --> 00:24:21,170 Oh, how is it my fault? 433 00:24:21,336 --> 00:24:22,916 How is this my fault? 434 00:24:23,088 --> 00:24:27,088 I didn't it throw at her. I threw it at you, and she stepped in the way. 435 00:24:27,259 --> 00:24:29,139 That's on her. That's not on me. 436 00:24:29,302 --> 00:24:32,182 Who does that? She does. Are you still seeing her? 437 00:24:32,347 --> 00:24:36,017 Are you with her? You're not with her. You're not with her. 438 00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:39,104 I follow you on Instagram, you moron. 439 00:24:39,271 --> 00:24:41,481 I see what you're doing. 440 00:24:41,648 --> 00:24:44,728 Fuck you, George. Well, fuck you, then! 441 00:24:45,402 --> 00:24:47,402 No, fuck you, George. 442 00:24:47,571 --> 00:24:50,571 No. I am taking the high road right now. 443 00:24:50,740 --> 00:24:55,000 So are we gonna see each other again, or is this over for good? 444 00:25:01,585 --> 00:25:03,375 Fuck you. 445 00:25:03,545 --> 00:25:05,085 Goddamn it. 446 00:25:05,255 --> 00:25:06,295 [CLEARS THROAT] 447 00:25:06,464 --> 00:25:07,844 MAN: Kevin, you got the keys? 448 00:25:08,008 --> 00:25:09,718 - What are you doing? - I'm sorry... I... 449 00:25:09,885 --> 00:25:12,595 Why are you standing there, listening to a private conversation? 450 00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:15,142 - I wasn't listening. - It's a private conversation. 451 00:25:15,307 --> 00:25:17,807 - I wasn't listening. I was... - You can't eavesdrop... 452 00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:20,146 - ...on a private conversation. - I wasn't. 453 00:25:20,312 --> 00:25:23,772 They asked me to come up to have you sign this for my hours. 454 00:25:23,940 --> 00:25:25,730 You want the supervisor. That's Bobbi. 455 00:25:25,901 --> 00:25:27,151 - She's at the store. - Okay. 456 00:25:27,319 --> 00:25:28,989 - And I'm allowed to be here. - Sorry. 457 00:25:29,154 --> 00:25:31,664 - I didn't say you weren't. - There's no cell service here... 458 00:25:31,823 --> 00:25:34,243 ...but don't say anything to anyone. Okay? 459 00:25:34,409 --> 00:25:35,449 I won't say a thing. 460 00:25:35,619 --> 00:25:39,079 Believe me. I will not say a thing. I just don't wanna be that guy George. 461 00:25:39,247 --> 00:25:41,877 - What do you know about George? - He's a piece of shit. 462 00:25:42,042 --> 00:25:44,092 Yeah, he is a piece of shit. 463 00:25:44,252 --> 00:25:47,172 - You got that right. - Sounds like it. 464 00:25:47,923 --> 00:25:49,973 I know you, right? You're Jackie Burke. 465 00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:51,183 I am. 466 00:25:51,343 --> 00:25:54,473 My dad used to love your TV show. We've watched every episode. 467 00:25:54,638 --> 00:25:56,178 Always nice to meet a fan. 468 00:25:56,348 --> 00:25:59,348 Yeah. Well, we just had the one TV. 469 00:25:59,726 --> 00:26:03,356 - Ah. What's your name? - Harmony Schiltz. 470 00:26:03,521 --> 00:26:05,111 - Harmony Schiltz? - Mm-hm. 471 00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:07,823 Were your parents in a Nazi barbershop quartet? 472 00:26:08,026 --> 00:26:11,396 - Ha, ha. Yeah. - It's always nice to see women laugh. 473 00:26:11,863 --> 00:26:13,873 Once you can make a woman laugh... 474 00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:17,542 ...then you can make her do anything, they say. I don't know if that's true. 475 00:26:17,702 --> 00:26:20,252 - Is that what they say? - It's an old saying. 476 00:26:20,664 --> 00:26:22,834 Like a very, very old saying? 477 00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:24,039 Ooh... 478 00:26:24,251 --> 00:26:26,251 [♪♪♪] 479 00:26:35,637 --> 00:26:37,717 WOMAN [OVER SPEAKERS]: Ladies and gentlemen... 480 00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:39,769 ...we are now beginning the third set... 481 00:26:39,975 --> 00:26:43,095 ...with the terrific Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers... 482 00:26:43,270 --> 00:26:45,310 ...from the jazz corner of the world. 483 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:49,650 Lee Morgan on trumpet, Wayne Shorter on the tenor saxophone... 484 00:26:49,818 --> 00:26:54,158 ...Bobby Timmons on the piano, Jymie Merritt on the bass. 485 00:26:54,322 --> 00:26:57,782 - Soul Brothers on the scene now. - Soul Brothers on the scene now. 486 00:26:57,951 --> 00:27:01,001 - Gonna really do a cool one for you. - Gonna really do a cool one for you. 487 00:27:01,162 --> 00:27:04,002 How about a nice hand, everybody, together... 488 00:27:04,165 --> 00:27:07,535 WOMAN & JACKIE: For the one and only Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers? 489 00:27:07,711 --> 00:27:09,421 [APPLAUSE ON RECORDING] 490 00:27:10,338 --> 00:27:12,548 [♪♪♪] 491 00:27:29,274 --> 00:27:30,864 [TALKING INDISTINCTLY] 492 00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:33,989 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 493 00:27:34,154 --> 00:27:35,534 Hey, jailbird, what's up? 494 00:27:35,697 --> 00:27:37,367 Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole? 495 00:27:37,532 --> 00:27:38,742 Can I get you something? 496 00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:42,078 - Like a hemorrhoidal donut? - Get Jackie a Chivas on the rocks. 497 00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:44,659 Buy him a drink, but you won't book him? 498 00:27:44,831 --> 00:27:46,121 - Less risky. - Why? 499 00:27:46,291 --> 00:27:50,381 Because he's out of control. Too much baggage. 500 00:27:50,587 --> 00:27:52,257 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 501 00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:57,552 MAN 1: On my way up there, I saw a group of cops, six of them, on horses. 502 00:27:57,719 --> 00:27:59,549 Can they do real cop stuff? 503 00:27:59,721 --> 00:28:01,431 Because every time I see them, they're like: 504 00:28:01,598 --> 00:28:03,638 [CLICKING TONGUE, IMITATING HOOFBEATS] 505 00:28:03,808 --> 00:28:06,058 "Easy. Easy." 506 00:28:08,063 --> 00:28:10,023 "Sure, I'll take a picture." 507 00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:11,440 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 508 00:28:12,817 --> 00:28:15,487 MAN 2: My parents are immigrants. They're from Taiwan. 509 00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:17,363 They moved to Texas when I was a baby. 510 00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:20,830 And I think immigration is fucking crazy. 511 00:28:20,992 --> 00:28:23,622 Can you imagine moving to a completely foreign country... 512 00:28:23,787 --> 00:28:27,327 ...just so your offspring would have more opportunities? 513 00:28:29,209 --> 00:28:31,799 Then your kid goes into stand-up comedy. 514 00:28:31,961 --> 00:28:33,381 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 515 00:28:33,713 --> 00:28:37,223 I'm Puerto Rican, which means I'm a Mexican with papers. 516 00:28:37,801 --> 00:28:40,851 I was a teenage-pregnancy case. That's how we do it in my family. 517 00:28:41,012 --> 00:28:43,852 We have our babies, then we get a job, then we get our periods. 518 00:28:44,432 --> 00:28:48,272 I love New York City, but there's some attitude here. A little attitude. 519 00:28:48,436 --> 00:28:51,266 I could never live anywhere else. 520 00:28:51,481 --> 00:28:52,731 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 521 00:28:52,899 --> 00:28:56,689 I don't know. It's a great city, but, come on... 522 00:28:56,861 --> 00:29:00,281 ...the greatest city in the world? It's the only place I've ever been... 523 00:29:00,448 --> 00:29:04,038 "What's that smell?" "Oh, that's the greatest city in the world." 524 00:29:04,494 --> 00:29:07,164 JIM: If the bathroom door's locked and I got my iPad... 525 00:29:07,330 --> 00:29:09,620 ...you know what I'm doing, so don't knock please. 526 00:29:09,791 --> 00:29:11,711 It's one of those things. Breaks the flow. 527 00:29:11,876 --> 00:29:14,496 Like when you're fucking and the phone rings and it's your mother. 528 00:29:14,671 --> 00:29:16,051 [LIGHT LAUGHTER] 529 00:29:16,214 --> 00:29:18,304 Like, why are you calling me? I'm right next to you. 530 00:29:18,466 --> 00:29:20,176 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 531 00:29:20,343 --> 00:29:24,063 Oh, I just improv'd that. I didn't mean to get blue. 532 00:29:24,222 --> 00:29:27,062 Sorry. Incest, it's the only thing that gets people back at 2 a.m. 533 00:29:27,225 --> 00:29:29,055 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 534 00:29:29,227 --> 00:29:31,267 [♪♪♪] 535 00:29:35,608 --> 00:29:39,398 We like to think RAW TV is the progressive alternative to networks. 536 00:29:39,571 --> 00:29:41,701 She lost me when she said, "We like to think." 537 00:29:41,865 --> 00:29:43,485 Jackie... 538 00:29:43,658 --> 00:29:47,578 Scared to Death is the most-watched new show on basic cable. 539 00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:50,709 - Carol Bock will be right with you. - Thank you. 540 00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:53,673 "Raw" meaning half-baked? 541 00:29:53,835 --> 00:29:55,295 No. Raw as in "rough." 542 00:29:55,462 --> 00:29:58,172 You went viral because you beat the shit out of somebody... 543 00:29:58,339 --> 00:29:59,589 ...that's a plus for them. 544 00:29:59,757 --> 00:30:03,507 Scared to Death. Maybe I should've worn my Halloween costume. 545 00:30:05,013 --> 00:30:09,393 JACKIE: Eddie's serving a 15-year sentence for beating a heckler to death. 546 00:30:09,559 --> 00:30:12,439 - Where'd that idea come from? Ha-ha-ha. - JACKIE: Guess. 547 00:30:12,604 --> 00:30:14,734 Anyway, he becomes the convict king of the prison. 548 00:30:14,898 --> 00:30:19,318 He runs everything. He runs the drugs, sex, extortion, everything. 549 00:30:19,486 --> 00:30:22,446 Any kind of crime that's in the prison, he's in control of. 550 00:30:22,614 --> 00:30:26,534 And then the other gang leaders, the Crips, the Bloods, the Aryan Nation... 551 00:30:26,701 --> 00:30:28,871 ...the Mexican Mafia, they all come to him. 552 00:30:29,037 --> 00:30:31,917 And he's tough, he's ruthless, but funny. 553 00:30:32,290 --> 00:30:36,630 It's like Breaking Bad on acid, but funny. 554 00:30:36,794 --> 00:30:38,674 - Main thing is... - And pure Jackie Burke. 555 00:30:38,838 --> 00:30:40,588 - You'll write? - JACKIE: I'll write the pilot... 556 00:30:40,757 --> 00:30:42,677 ...and I'll punch up all the scripts. 557 00:30:42,842 --> 00:30:46,262 Our channel's target audience is 18-24. 558 00:30:46,429 --> 00:30:49,519 He plays to that demo all the time. They will eat this up. 559 00:30:49,682 --> 00:30:52,272 - You got a title? - Burke on the Block. 560 00:30:52,977 --> 00:30:55,017 I'm open to anything. You know your audience. 561 00:30:55,188 --> 00:30:57,898 Burke on the Block. It's funny. 562 00:30:59,067 --> 00:31:00,987 Okay. Great. 563 00:31:01,152 --> 00:31:03,322 I just have to say, Eddie... 564 00:31:03,488 --> 00:31:05,698 God... Sorry. 565 00:31:05,865 --> 00:31:08,575 - I mean, Jackie. - It's... No. No worries. 566 00:31:08,743 --> 00:31:11,003 Jackie. I can't believe I said that. 567 00:31:11,162 --> 00:31:14,042 - JACKIE: It's all right. Don't worry. - The idea's delicious. 568 00:31:14,207 --> 00:31:16,787 Your YouTube video, a lot of hits. 569 00:31:18,211 --> 00:31:22,471 Let me bandy it about with my posse here. There's a lot of stuff to consider. 570 00:31:22,632 --> 00:31:24,342 How much time do you need? 571 00:31:24,509 --> 00:31:28,929 I just have to tell you, Jackie, you are the reason I am in television. 572 00:31:29,097 --> 00:31:30,807 In television comedy. 573 00:31:30,974 --> 00:31:35,564 When I was a kid, I remember laughing so hard at you. 574 00:31:35,728 --> 00:31:37,978 I couldn't wait to grow up. It is so cool to meet you. 575 00:31:38,147 --> 00:31:39,607 Thank you. 576 00:31:39,774 --> 00:31:42,614 But, listen, the idea is terrific, and we'll... 577 00:31:42,777 --> 00:31:44,317 Did I hear a "but"? 578 00:31:44,487 --> 00:31:46,107 I thought I heard a "but." 579 00:31:46,281 --> 00:31:47,951 Did we hear a "but"? 580 00:31:48,116 --> 00:31:51,946 There's a lot of butts sitting here, but does "but" mean "Give me some time"? 581 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:55,210 "Let me think about it"? "Maybe never"? "Whatever"? 582 00:31:55,373 --> 00:31:59,293 Jackie, "but" is part of my job description. 583 00:31:59,460 --> 00:32:02,510 But we don't have to go past "but." It's not necessary. 584 00:32:02,672 --> 00:32:06,262 Time is of the essence. Not everybody has a lot of time, especially me "but." 585 00:32:06,426 --> 00:32:09,136 Carol is just explaining that there's a process... 586 00:32:09,304 --> 00:32:11,764 I know the process. She's explaining the process. 587 00:32:11,931 --> 00:32:14,481 But the process is we're not interested, "but." 588 00:32:14,642 --> 00:32:15,812 Thank you, "but." 589 00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:19,057 - And I say, so long, thank you too, "but." - Thanks for coming in. 590 00:32:19,230 --> 00:32:22,110 - Thank you. - I will give you a call. 591 00:32:23,735 --> 00:32:25,355 Whoa. 592 00:32:26,321 --> 00:32:27,411 Jackie. 593 00:32:27,572 --> 00:32:29,452 You see her fucking feet on that table? 594 00:32:29,616 --> 00:32:31,116 - Who does she think she is? - I did. 595 00:32:31,284 --> 00:32:33,754 - She is a fan who runs a cable network. - Fucking bitch. Yeah. 596 00:32:33,911 --> 00:32:36,331 She had a neon sign on her forehead that said "no." 597 00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:38,167 There are new executives out there. 598 00:32:38,333 --> 00:32:41,713 You have to cultivate them. They say "no" now, come back with another idea. 599 00:32:41,878 --> 00:32:45,338 Gonna tap dance for these fucking idiots who don't have an ounce of talent. 600 00:32:45,506 --> 00:32:47,176 They're gonna tell me what's funny? 601 00:32:47,342 --> 00:32:50,892 - Being funny isn't enough anymore. - Now you're fired. 602 00:32:51,763 --> 00:32:55,483 Jackie! Jackie, come on! Jackie, please! 603 00:32:55,683 --> 00:32:57,693 [♪♪♪] 604 00:33:02,982 --> 00:33:07,032 JACKIE: It's a little tight on you. I think you should get something bigger. 605 00:33:07,195 --> 00:33:09,655 It's the shirt that makes the man. Right? 606 00:33:09,822 --> 00:33:11,322 - You know it. - There you go. 607 00:33:11,491 --> 00:33:13,281 This is you. This is you. 608 00:33:13,451 --> 00:33:15,951 You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it. 609 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,540 Wait a minute. 610 00:33:17,705 --> 00:33:21,705 You're that guy on TV. Eddie's Home, right? 611 00:33:21,876 --> 00:33:24,336 - How'd you wind up here? - That's a good question. 612 00:33:24,504 --> 00:33:25,764 Here I am. What can I do? 613 00:33:25,922 --> 00:33:27,512 MAN: Jail? The slammer? What happened? 614 00:33:27,674 --> 00:33:29,344 JACKIE: I was and had to do community service. 615 00:33:29,509 --> 00:33:32,889 - Here I am. Stuck. What am I gonna do? - MAN 1: There you go. See? 616 00:33:33,054 --> 00:33:36,684 - You guys are all homeless, right? - Yeah. Pretty much homeless. Yeah. 617 00:33:36,849 --> 00:33:39,349 Where are all the bums? The guys that don't wanna work. 618 00:33:39,519 --> 00:33:43,149 What happens with them? I'm getting confused. I want to work... 619 00:33:43,314 --> 00:33:46,234 ...but I don't want any of the jobs I can actually get. 620 00:33:46,401 --> 00:33:50,321 So I guess you could say, for me... 621 00:33:50,488 --> 00:33:53,118 ...it's more... Being a bum is more of a career choice. 622 00:33:53,282 --> 00:33:54,952 - MAN 2: True. - MAN 1: Gotta do what you gotta do. 623 00:33:55,118 --> 00:33:57,078 - JACKIE: That's it. That's what I gotta do. - MAN 1: Yeah. 624 00:33:57,245 --> 00:33:59,325 You lie in your own bed, you sleep in it. 625 00:33:59,497 --> 00:34:00,827 Good advice. I like that. 626 00:34:00,998 --> 00:34:02,828 - Where'd you learn that? - An old wives' tale. 627 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,800 - Mike, cover for me for a minute. Okay? - Yeah. 628 00:34:10,967 --> 00:34:13,547 - Hi. - Ah! Shit. 629 00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:16,600 You keep sneaking up on me like that. Why do you keep doing that? 630 00:34:16,764 --> 00:34:19,934 I don't know. Maybe it's something I picked up in prison. 631 00:34:20,893 --> 00:34:22,983 By the way, I watched that YouTube video... 632 00:34:23,146 --> 00:34:25,766 ...and for what it's worth, you were absolutely right... 633 00:34:25,940 --> 00:34:28,400 ...to hit that guy in the face with a microphone. 634 00:34:28,568 --> 00:34:30,318 - Thanks. - He deserved it. 635 00:34:30,486 --> 00:34:33,606 But my dad's an ex-con, so I don't know what kind of judge I am. 636 00:34:33,781 --> 00:34:36,081 - How many hours did you get? - A hundred. You? 637 00:34:36,242 --> 00:34:38,792 Two-fifty. For what? 638 00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:41,540 - Assault. - Me too. 639 00:34:42,498 --> 00:34:45,418 You got a hundred for assault. Why is that fair? 640 00:34:45,585 --> 00:34:48,125 Why does that make sense? That makes no sense at all. 641 00:34:48,296 --> 00:34:51,716 Why should a man get less than a woman? For the same thing. 642 00:34:51,883 --> 00:34:54,973 That makes zero sense. Not that I mind working here... 643 00:34:55,136 --> 00:34:58,216 ...because I really do love being here, but that's bullshit. 644 00:34:58,389 --> 00:35:00,349 What'd you do, get the celebrity discount? 645 00:35:00,516 --> 00:35:02,516 No, they gave me 30 days in jail. 646 00:35:03,978 --> 00:35:07,018 Well, next time, don't hit someone in the head with a microphone. 647 00:35:07,190 --> 00:35:09,440 - Yeah. I was provoked. - Well, I was provoked. 648 00:35:09,609 --> 00:35:12,449 - I was provoked. - You found him in bed with somebody? 649 00:35:12,612 --> 00:35:14,992 Yeah. How'd you know? 650 00:35:15,156 --> 00:35:18,406 I've been there. I recognized the key you were screaming in. 651 00:35:18,576 --> 00:35:19,616 So, what'd you do? 652 00:35:20,912 --> 00:35:23,372 I dislocated his jaw, accidentally. 653 00:35:23,539 --> 00:35:25,369 Well, what about her? 654 00:35:25,541 --> 00:35:31,461 She put her hand up to block a very small lamp, and her wrist broke. 655 00:35:31,631 --> 00:35:33,671 - Oh, okay. - So... 656 00:35:34,842 --> 00:35:38,682 You know, I'm sorry, I... 657 00:35:38,846 --> 00:35:43,176 - If... I'm sorry I was rude the other day. - No, I wasn't coming on strong. 658 00:35:43,351 --> 00:35:47,401 I hope you didn't think I was. I just figured that you and I are doing time together... 659 00:35:47,563 --> 00:35:50,023 ...so us cons gotta stick together in a place like this. 660 00:35:50,191 --> 00:35:51,611 [GASPS] 661 00:35:51,818 --> 00:35:53,988 Motherfucker. 662 00:35:54,153 --> 00:35:55,863 Motherfucker! 663 00:35:56,030 --> 00:35:58,450 - Shit! - Oh, okay. 664 00:35:58,616 --> 00:36:02,036 Goddamn it. Shit. 665 00:36:02,203 --> 00:36:04,123 Okay. Okay. 666 00:36:05,331 --> 00:36:09,501 This is the worst day ever. This is the shittiest day ever. 667 00:36:09,669 --> 00:36:11,999 I can't catch a fucking break. 668 00:36:12,171 --> 00:36:14,091 Goddamn it. 669 00:36:14,257 --> 00:36:16,837 Shit. I'm sorry. 670 00:36:17,009 --> 00:36:18,589 I don't need... I'm... 671 00:36:18,761 --> 00:36:22,471 You know what? Let's get a broom. This is too messy for... We... 672 00:36:22,890 --> 00:36:26,190 It's all right. It's all right. It's just a bunch of olives. 673 00:36:27,728 --> 00:36:30,058 Hey, look, are you free tonight? 674 00:36:30,231 --> 00:36:32,571 - What? - Are you free tonight? 675 00:36:33,401 --> 00:36:36,651 What, like a date? No, I'm not going on a date with you. 676 00:36:36,821 --> 00:36:40,031 We can call it a date, or it'll be an appointment, doesn't matter. 677 00:36:40,199 --> 00:36:42,239 No date. And I'm not sleeping with you. 678 00:36:42,410 --> 00:36:45,790 - That's not what I wanna do. - I'm not asking you to sleep with me. 679 00:36:45,955 --> 00:36:48,075 I'm asking you to go on an appointment with me. 680 00:36:48,249 --> 00:36:50,499 Look, you had a terrible day. You just said it. 681 00:36:50,668 --> 00:36:52,748 Let me take you to a place. You might have a nice time. 682 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:56,220 My life is going great right now, so I don't know if you think... 683 00:36:56,382 --> 00:37:00,012 ...my life isn't going great because I am fine. I'm perfectly fine. 684 00:37:00,177 --> 00:37:03,967 So I don't need you telling me that my life isn't going great... 685 00:37:04,140 --> 00:37:07,020 ...but if I have time tonight, I'll check my calendar... 686 00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:10,484 ...and make sure that I have time. If I do, then maybe I'll go. 687 00:37:10,646 --> 00:37:12,396 Good. So why don't you come? 688 00:37:14,442 --> 00:37:16,902 - Well, what time? - After your shift. 689 00:37:17,069 --> 00:37:18,109 All right. 690 00:37:18,279 --> 00:37:21,779 So I'll check and see if I'm free, then I'll meet you upstairs after work. 691 00:37:21,949 --> 00:37:24,329 I'll be outside just like the other homeless people. 692 00:37:24,493 --> 00:37:28,163 I'll be on the ground over there. Wake me up. Make sure you wake me up. 693 00:37:28,331 --> 00:37:30,041 - So I smell like olives. - Don't worry. 694 00:37:30,207 --> 00:37:31,957 Are you gonna help me clean this up? 695 00:37:32,126 --> 00:37:34,746 If you go with me, I'll help you clean it up. 696 00:37:36,130 --> 00:37:38,800 You ever notice that all old Jewish people have the same face... 697 00:37:38,966 --> 00:37:43,216 ...even when they're saying something positive? "It's gorgeous outside." 698 00:37:43,387 --> 00:37:45,887 I'm so grateful I'm healthy." 699 00:37:46,057 --> 00:37:48,267 Are you sure you're okay? You look like shit. 700 00:37:49,018 --> 00:37:52,478 I went to visit my grandmother recently, and all these old Jewish women... 701 00:37:52,647 --> 00:37:55,857 ...sit around and play mah-jongg and all sound like little bees when they talk. 702 00:37:56,025 --> 00:37:57,315 You know, they hunch over: 703 00:37:57,485 --> 00:37:59,445 [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] 704 00:38:04,033 --> 00:38:05,083 salmon. 705 00:38:05,242 --> 00:38:10,252 Anyway, so I go to find her, and she's not there and I go up to her friend Rona... 706 00:38:10,414 --> 00:38:12,754 ...and I said, "Rona, do you know where my grandmother is?" 707 00:38:12,917 --> 00:38:18,337 She goes "I don't know, darling, but I'll let her know you're looking for her..." 708 00:38:18,547 --> 00:38:20,417 [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] 709 00:38:20,633 --> 00:38:22,093 "...trust fund." 710 00:38:22,259 --> 00:38:23,759 Anyway, so... 711 00:38:23,928 --> 00:38:28,428 ...I walk away, and I hear her yell out in the middle of the card room: 712 00:38:28,599 --> 00:38:34,149 "That's Bea Fobman's granddaughter. She's a lesbian magician." 713 00:38:34,313 --> 00:38:35,693 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 714 00:38:35,856 --> 00:38:38,316 You know what I did? I fucked her and made her disappear. 715 00:38:38,484 --> 00:38:39,744 Isn't that amazing? 716 00:38:40,611 --> 00:38:43,531 You guys are awesome. Don't clap. It'll never fill the hole. 717 00:38:43,698 --> 00:38:46,448 Look who's here. Oh, my God. 718 00:38:46,617 --> 00:38:50,867 It's Jackie Burke. Jackie Burke's in the crowd. 719 00:38:51,038 --> 00:38:54,958 That is... I have not seen you in so long. 720 00:38:55,126 --> 00:38:58,706 Isn't it adorable when celebrities bring their hookers to the club? 721 00:38:58,879 --> 00:39:00,969 Isn't that amazing? Isn't that awesome? 722 00:39:01,132 --> 00:39:03,092 What did he do to get you here? 723 00:39:03,300 --> 00:39:05,590 Uh... Ha, ha, ha! 724 00:39:05,761 --> 00:39:08,311 That he would buy me an ass... Ice-cream cone. 725 00:39:08,472 --> 00:39:09,562 [ALL LAUGHING] 726 00:39:09,724 --> 00:39:11,774 JESSICA: "Ass cream" is amazing. 727 00:39:11,934 --> 00:39:13,444 That's so cute. 728 00:39:13,602 --> 00:39:17,272 I tasted ass cream, and it is so delicious. 729 00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:18,860 There's all kinds of flavors. 730 00:39:19,025 --> 00:39:22,275 What kind of flavor ass cream would you get if you...? 731 00:39:22,445 --> 00:39:26,025 You need to be careful because those sprinkles will be roofies. 732 00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:27,660 [ALL LAUGHING] 733 00:39:27,825 --> 00:39:31,405 Trust me, I know. I was very sore after that night. 734 00:39:31,579 --> 00:39:34,869 You're giving away my secret, Jess. After everything I've done for you. 735 00:39:35,041 --> 00:39:37,591 I was there for you when you were starting out as a young man. 736 00:39:37,752 --> 00:39:40,002 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 737 00:39:42,089 --> 00:39:43,969 I always had a bigger dick though. 738 00:39:44,133 --> 00:39:45,183 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 739 00:39:45,342 --> 00:39:46,682 I did. Always. 740 00:39:46,844 --> 00:39:48,974 No, you don't. No, you don't. 741 00:39:49,388 --> 00:39:53,228 Wait, wait. You know what, Jess? You're right. Your cock is huge. 742 00:39:53,434 --> 00:39:54,484 [ALL LAUGHING] 743 00:39:54,643 --> 00:39:58,273 So I wanna tell you guys something. It's so good to see Jackie. 744 00:39:58,439 --> 00:40:02,109 Because Jackie is really my mentor. I was opening for him one night... 745 00:40:02,276 --> 00:40:04,196 I mean, comedy. I was opening comedy. 746 00:40:04,403 --> 00:40:05,703 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 747 00:40:05,863 --> 00:40:08,283 Yeah. We did a Jewish country-club gig. 748 00:40:08,449 --> 00:40:09,619 No. It was Italian. 749 00:40:09,784 --> 00:40:12,204 No. It wasn't Italian. It was Jewish. They were Jews. 750 00:40:12,369 --> 00:40:14,789 I went in the men's room. Believe me, it was Italian. 751 00:40:14,997 --> 00:40:16,577 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 752 00:40:16,791 --> 00:40:19,041 A lot of calzones. 753 00:40:20,503 --> 00:40:24,053 - Give him a hand. He's incredible. - My pleasure. 754 00:40:24,757 --> 00:40:29,007 You suck in bed, but you're such a great guy and a great comic. 755 00:40:29,178 --> 00:40:32,848 HARMONY: That was amazing. That was so much fun. I feel like I'm high. 756 00:40:33,015 --> 00:40:37,385 You were so funny. That was... You're so much funnier than Eddie. 757 00:40:37,561 --> 00:40:41,651 You're so quick, and, like, do you come up with all that on the spot? 758 00:40:41,816 --> 00:40:43,436 Sometimes. Yeah. 759 00:40:43,609 --> 00:40:45,489 That was good. Thank you. 760 00:40:45,653 --> 00:40:48,033 Are you free on Sunday? 761 00:40:48,197 --> 00:40:50,067 No. I'm not. I don't... 762 00:40:50,241 --> 00:40:53,371 No, no. I have a wedding that I have to go to. My niece's wedding. 763 00:40:53,536 --> 00:40:55,496 I don't wanna go... I don't wanna go alone. 764 00:40:55,663 --> 00:40:58,583 I thought, maybe, if you went, you could be my wingman. 765 00:40:58,749 --> 00:41:01,879 - We could have a few laughs. - Okay. 766 00:41:02,044 --> 00:41:03,094 - Really? - Yeah. 767 00:41:03,254 --> 00:41:04,714 - You're free on Sunday? - Yeah. 768 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:07,130 - What, you have no life? - Ha, ha, ha. 769 00:41:07,341 --> 00:41:09,391 - But you have to do me a favor. - What's that? 770 00:41:09,552 --> 00:41:12,682 My dad's birthday's on Monday, and... 771 00:41:12,847 --> 00:41:15,847 ...he asked me for a birthday gift, and you're it. 772 00:41:16,308 --> 00:41:17,688 Do I have to? 773 00:41:17,852 --> 00:41:19,232 Yeah. 774 00:41:19,395 --> 00:41:20,595 - Okay, okay. - Deal? 775 00:41:20,771 --> 00:41:22,611 - Deal. - Ha-ha-ha. Okay. 776 00:41:22,773 --> 00:41:25,863 That was fun. I loved that. 777 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,740 [♪♪♪] 778 00:41:36,162 --> 00:41:37,792 [THUNDER CRASHING] 779 00:41:39,915 --> 00:41:43,205 - HARMONY: Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Thank you. - JACKIE: I appreciate you doing this. 780 00:41:43,377 --> 00:41:44,707 Remember, this is family. 781 00:41:44,879 --> 00:41:49,049 I need 20 more cases of champagne. Ah, Mr. Jackie Burke. 782 00:41:49,216 --> 00:41:51,216 Your brother asked me to wait for you. 783 00:41:51,385 --> 00:41:53,045 - You're late. It's already started. - HARMONY: Come on. Hurry. 784 00:41:53,220 --> 00:41:55,640 They haven't done the glass-breaking yet, have they? 785 00:41:55,806 --> 00:41:58,016 The glass-breaking part is my favorite part. 786 00:41:58,184 --> 00:42:01,234 The ceremony was an hour ago. We are about to present the brides. 787 00:42:01,395 --> 00:42:04,185 - HARMONY: Shit. - Ahem. Uh, nice dress. 788 00:42:04,356 --> 00:42:06,026 Too bad they didn't have it in your size. 789 00:42:06,483 --> 00:42:09,653 - How do you get in and out of that thing? - None of your business. 790 00:42:09,820 --> 00:42:11,660 - Come on. - WOMAN: Everybody, inside. 791 00:42:11,822 --> 00:42:12,912 Inside now. Please. 792 00:42:13,073 --> 00:42:14,453 [CROWD CHEERING] 793 00:42:14,617 --> 00:42:19,997 Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to present to you the newlyweds. 794 00:42:20,164 --> 00:42:24,544 The Berkowitz-Nelsons: spouses for life. 795 00:42:25,336 --> 00:42:27,086 Everybody stand up. Stand up. 796 00:42:27,254 --> 00:42:31,884 And for their first dance, they've prepared something special for you. 797 00:42:32,092 --> 00:42:35,182 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 798 00:42:35,679 --> 00:42:40,639 ♪ We dream the same dream We want the same thing ♪ 799 00:42:40,851 --> 00:42:42,811 ♪ Oh, oh ♪ 800 00:42:43,270 --> 00:42:47,110 ♪ We dream the same dream We want the same thing ♪ 801 00:42:47,274 --> 00:42:48,864 [LAUGHING] 802 00:42:49,944 --> 00:42:52,404 ♪ Here is my case We've got no time to waste ♪ 803 00:42:52,571 --> 00:42:54,821 ♪ 'Cause we want the same thing ♪ 804 00:42:55,366 --> 00:42:56,946 Come on, guys! 805 00:42:57,785 --> 00:43:01,615 ♪ But we don't care what for 'Cause we want the same thing ♪ 806 00:43:03,290 --> 00:43:06,840 ♪ I know we're different now Different as night and day ♪ 807 00:43:07,044 --> 00:43:11,674 ♪ But I still want you I just want you to stay ♪ 808 00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,510 [WOMAN LAUGHS] 809 00:43:13,717 --> 00:43:17,097 ♪ I want to take this chance I want to be with you ♪♪ 810 00:43:17,304 --> 00:43:19,564 Hey, you came. 811 00:43:19,723 --> 00:43:22,603 - JACKIE: Congratulations. - JIMMY: Thank you. 812 00:43:24,353 --> 00:43:26,983 This is my brother, Jimmy. Harmony. 813 00:43:27,147 --> 00:43:28,687 - Hi. - Oh! 814 00:43:28,857 --> 00:43:30,567 You never cease to amaze me. 815 00:43:30,734 --> 00:43:32,574 Very nice. 816 00:43:35,114 --> 00:43:37,704 - Oh! This is my wife, Florence. - Hi. 817 00:43:37,866 --> 00:43:41,616 - This is Harmony, Jackie's friend. - Congratulations. Thanks for having me. 818 00:43:41,787 --> 00:43:44,617 FLO: Nice to meet you, and thank you for coming. 819 00:43:44,790 --> 00:43:48,630 Aah! Uncle Jackie! Oh, my God, you came. 820 00:43:48,794 --> 00:43:51,384 Uncle Jackie, this is my wife, Frankie. 821 00:43:51,547 --> 00:43:54,377 - Nice to meet you. Congratulations. - BRITTANY: My Uncle Jackie. 822 00:43:54,550 --> 00:43:56,180 - Hi. - Welcome to our family. 823 00:43:56,343 --> 00:43:59,183 You can come meet our friends. Meet our friends. 824 00:43:59,346 --> 00:44:02,096 BRITTANY: Come on. Guys, guys. 825 00:44:02,725 --> 00:44:05,135 This is my Uncle Jackie. 826 00:44:05,352 --> 00:44:06,812 [CHATTERING] 827 00:44:07,021 --> 00:44:11,941 This is such a nice wedding, and your daughter, she's beautiful. 828 00:44:12,109 --> 00:44:13,279 Beautiful dress. 829 00:44:13,444 --> 00:44:15,034 Kleinfeld's. 830 00:44:15,571 --> 00:44:17,241 And Frankie has a different one. 831 00:44:17,948 --> 00:44:20,868 - Yeah. - They're partners, not twins. 832 00:44:21,035 --> 00:44:22,995 Flo, Flo. 833 00:44:27,166 --> 00:44:29,166 Have you known Jackie long? 834 00:44:29,335 --> 00:44:31,375 How did you meet? 835 00:44:31,545 --> 00:44:34,465 I picked him up at the homeless shelter. 836 00:44:34,631 --> 00:44:37,051 - WOMAN: Are you gonna talk? - JIMMY: Florence, Florence. 837 00:44:37,217 --> 00:44:38,337 - Florence. - I'm so sorry. 838 00:44:38,510 --> 00:44:41,720 - BRITTANY: You gotta make us laugh. - Please. That would be so great. 839 00:44:41,889 --> 00:44:45,059 - You're gonna say a few words, right? - I'm just here as a guest. 840 00:44:45,225 --> 00:44:46,225 Just as a guest. 841 00:44:46,393 --> 00:44:48,403 BRITTANY: Please. Come on. It would be so great. 842 00:44:48,562 --> 00:44:50,692 Ask your parents. I don't wanna deal with a... 843 00:44:50,856 --> 00:44:53,776 - We don't want it to become a thing. - He doesn't want to. He's a guest. 844 00:44:53,942 --> 00:44:57,112 If she's gonna make a thing out of it, then it's gonna be a disaster. 845 00:44:57,279 --> 00:45:01,699 No. For me, for me. You gotta. Please? For us. 846 00:45:01,867 --> 00:45:03,697 Come on. It's my wedding. 847 00:45:06,455 --> 00:45:07,535 - Okay. - Yay! 848 00:45:08,665 --> 00:45:10,495 [SQUEALS THEN LAUGHS] 849 00:45:10,709 --> 00:45:12,709 BRITTANY: Thank you! 850 00:45:13,712 --> 00:45:15,712 [♪♪♪] 851 00:45:19,718 --> 00:45:21,598 WOMAN: Come on, guys. 852 00:45:27,142 --> 00:45:28,442 ALL: Hey! 853 00:45:31,313 --> 00:45:32,363 Hey! 854 00:45:35,234 --> 00:45:36,534 Hey! 855 00:45:37,653 --> 00:45:39,283 - Come on. Let's go. - No, no. 856 00:45:39,446 --> 00:45:41,776 - Come on. - I think I'm coming down with something. 857 00:45:41,949 --> 00:45:45,039 - You're not coming down with something. - I get nervous up there. Dizzy. 858 00:45:45,202 --> 00:45:46,582 - I get dizzy. - To dance? 859 00:45:46,870 --> 00:45:48,410 [SINGING IN HEBREW] 860 00:45:48,580 --> 00:45:51,500 ALL: Whoa! 861 00:45:54,878 --> 00:45:56,048 Come on. Come on. 862 00:45:56,213 --> 00:45:57,303 Come on. 863 00:45:57,464 --> 00:45:59,094 Come on, you. You chicken! 864 00:45:59,258 --> 00:46:01,468 - Come on. - No. I don't do physical comedy. 865 00:46:01,635 --> 00:46:03,215 - You dance. - I'm gonna take her. 866 00:46:03,387 --> 00:46:06,217 - Take her. Don't steal her. - Take me. 867 00:46:06,390 --> 00:46:08,810 Come on. Come on. 868 00:46:08,976 --> 00:46:10,976 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 869 00:46:21,321 --> 00:46:22,661 MAN: Dance with me, beautiful. 870 00:46:24,867 --> 00:46:26,367 [LAUGHING] 871 00:46:27,911 --> 00:46:29,121 WOMAN 1: Who's the shiksa? 872 00:46:32,082 --> 00:46:33,632 Dance. 873 00:46:37,421 --> 00:46:39,381 JIMMY: You should be worried, Jackie. 874 00:46:47,181 --> 00:46:48,931 [ALL CLAMORING] 875 00:46:49,349 --> 00:46:50,729 [MUSIC STOPS] 876 00:46:50,893 --> 00:46:52,853 Please. Everyone stand back. 877 00:46:53,020 --> 00:46:54,440 Are you all right? 878 00:46:54,605 --> 00:46:56,605 - HARMONY: Are you okay? - KAROLA: Inhale. Exhale. 879 00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:59,033 - HARMONY: Hey. - KAROLA: Hey, let go. 880 00:46:59,193 --> 00:47:02,613 It's not my heart we are worried about. Get up, you old letch. 881 00:47:02,779 --> 00:47:04,529 HARMONY: Okay. Come on. 882 00:47:04,698 --> 00:47:06,658 [MUSIC RESUMES] 883 00:47:08,285 --> 00:47:12,155 ♪ Nothing at all, baby ♪ 884 00:47:14,416 --> 00:47:18,296 ♪ Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide? ♪ 885 00:47:18,462 --> 00:47:22,882 ♪ Would I lie to you, baby, Would I lie to you ♪♪ 886 00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:24,131 That was fun. 887 00:47:24,301 --> 00:47:27,931 - Yeah. Well, you're having a good time. - You should've done it. You're not sick. 888 00:47:28,096 --> 00:47:31,056 - Whoa! Little shits. - BOY: Don't push me! 889 00:47:31,225 --> 00:47:32,805 No maternal instinct? 890 00:47:32,976 --> 00:47:35,596 No. My maternal instinct kicks in when I'm 70. 891 00:47:36,396 --> 00:47:37,436 When you're 70? 892 00:47:37,606 --> 00:47:38,646 [LAUGHS] 893 00:47:38,815 --> 00:47:40,395 Were you ever married? 894 00:47:40,567 --> 00:47:41,857 - No. - No? 895 00:47:42,027 --> 00:47:44,277 - Mm-mm. - Never...? 896 00:47:44,446 --> 00:47:47,566 Seems very unusual that a girl like you is not attached. 897 00:47:47,741 --> 00:47:51,201 I've been attached. It's just never stuck. 898 00:47:51,370 --> 00:47:52,960 You have more questions? 899 00:47:53,121 --> 00:47:56,581 Hi, can I have your attention, everybody? 900 00:47:56,792 --> 00:47:58,132 [MUSIC STOPS AND PEOPLE CLAP] 901 00:47:58,293 --> 00:48:00,133 - Thank you. - Brittany. 902 00:48:00,754 --> 00:48:02,764 BRITTANY: Frankie and I wanna welcome you... 903 00:48:02,923 --> 00:48:05,183 - ...all here tonight. - GIRL: We love you, Frankie. 904 00:48:05,342 --> 00:48:08,432 You can't imagine how happy I am you all came to share... 905 00:48:08,595 --> 00:48:10,345 - ...this day with us. - She seems nice. 906 00:48:10,514 --> 00:48:11,774 I don't know her that well. 907 00:48:11,932 --> 00:48:17,402 You may have noticed my uncle, Jackie Burke, is here. 908 00:48:18,522 --> 00:48:22,572 Some of you may recognize him as Eddie from Eddie's Home. 909 00:48:22,734 --> 00:48:24,284 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 910 00:48:24,444 --> 00:48:26,244 MAN: Eddie! 911 00:48:27,239 --> 00:48:29,279 But I've known him my whole life. 912 00:48:29,449 --> 00:48:32,539 I still remember him teaching me dirty jokes as a kid. 913 00:48:32,703 --> 00:48:35,623 Before I could say "Dada," I could say "caca." 914 00:48:36,665 --> 00:48:42,705 He taught me the B word, the S word, the F word. Yeah, all of them. 915 00:48:42,879 --> 00:48:45,839 She already knew the C word. She picked it up on her own. 916 00:48:46,008 --> 00:48:48,928 But, seriously, it means so much to me... 917 00:48:49,094 --> 00:48:52,934 ...that he's here today after way too many years. 918 00:48:53,098 --> 00:48:56,888 So please give a warm welcome to my Uncle Jackie. 919 00:48:57,060 --> 00:48:58,770 Careful up there. We're outnumbered. 920 00:48:58,937 --> 00:49:01,937 BRITTANY: To say a few words. Jackie Burke! 921 00:49:02,149 --> 00:49:04,399 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 922 00:49:04,568 --> 00:49:06,648 - So happy he came. - Here we go. 923 00:49:08,405 --> 00:49:09,615 JACKIE: Thank you, honey. 924 00:49:09,781 --> 00:49:11,581 You know, it's a... 925 00:49:12,117 --> 00:49:16,247 It's an honor being here to celebrate Brittany and Frankie's wedding. 926 00:49:16,413 --> 00:49:17,713 Frankie, right? Not Butch? 927 00:49:17,914 --> 00:49:19,834 [NERVOUS LAUGHTER] 928 00:49:20,417 --> 00:49:22,747 How long till the divorce? 929 00:49:22,919 --> 00:49:25,709 Same-sex divorce is the latest thing, you know? 930 00:49:25,881 --> 00:49:29,091 What the fuck is this place anyway? The Titanic? What is this? 931 00:49:29,259 --> 00:49:31,219 Look at these fucking chandeliers. 932 00:49:31,386 --> 00:49:32,846 Jesus. 933 00:49:33,180 --> 00:49:35,390 These chairs aren't tall enough. What's this? 934 00:49:35,557 --> 00:49:37,427 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 935 00:49:37,601 --> 00:49:38,811 And I wanna thank... 936 00:49:38,977 --> 00:49:42,767 Seriously, I wanna thank Flo and Jimmy for inviting me to this beautiful occasion. 937 00:49:42,939 --> 00:49:44,979 - Yeah. Thanks for coming. - JACKIE: Really is. 938 00:49:45,150 --> 00:49:47,360 And all the other family members... 939 00:49:47,527 --> 00:49:49,527 ...many of whom I thought were dead. 940 00:49:49,696 --> 00:49:52,906 Most of whom I hoped were dead. 941 00:49:53,075 --> 00:49:55,905 Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck you up like family. That's for sure. 942 00:49:56,078 --> 00:49:57,788 - FLO: We're in trouble. - He knows. 943 00:49:57,954 --> 00:50:01,214 You know, I had a troubled childhood. 944 00:50:01,375 --> 00:50:04,335 My father molested my brother. Jimmy, I'm just telling one little story. 945 00:50:04,503 --> 00:50:05,843 - Here we go. - Not good. 946 00:50:06,004 --> 00:50:09,554 My father molested my little brother, and the bastard never even touched me. 947 00:50:09,716 --> 00:50:11,296 Never even looked at me. 948 00:50:11,468 --> 00:50:14,888 Do you know what it's like growing up feeling unwanted? 949 00:50:15,055 --> 00:50:18,555 Knowing that your father doesn't find you attractive enough to fondle? 950 00:50:18,725 --> 00:50:20,095 [GROANS AND LAUGHTER] 951 00:50:20,268 --> 00:50:21,898 I mean, was it so terrible...? 952 00:50:22,062 --> 00:50:25,862 Would it have been so terrible if he just played with my dick a little? 953 00:50:26,024 --> 00:50:28,744 Just stroked it? You know, wiggled it a little? Something. 954 00:50:28,902 --> 00:50:32,492 He didn't do anything. I felt terrible. I was so rejected. Anyway... 955 00:50:32,656 --> 00:50:35,776 I know we're supposed to pretend there's nothing wrong or unusual... 956 00:50:35,951 --> 00:50:39,661 ...about this event tonight, just another middle-class Jewish wedding. Right? 957 00:50:39,830 --> 00:50:41,420 No. Wrong. 958 00:50:41,581 --> 00:50:45,341 So can I address the 800-pound gorilla in the room? 959 00:50:45,502 --> 00:50:46,632 And that would be... 960 00:50:48,130 --> 00:50:49,170 ...Flo. 961 00:50:49,381 --> 00:50:50,471 [GROANS AND LAUGHTER] 962 00:50:50,632 --> 00:50:52,842 JACKIE: Flo, how did you let this happen? 963 00:50:53,009 --> 00:50:56,139 Can't be Jimmy's fault. What have you done to my poor little brother? 964 00:50:56,304 --> 00:51:00,144 He was 6 feet tall when you got married. 965 00:51:00,308 --> 00:51:02,388 Oh, and now Brittany. Oh, no. 966 00:51:02,561 --> 00:51:04,601 You were so concerned about her growing up... 967 00:51:04,771 --> 00:51:08,321 ...to be a Jewish American princess, you didn't even notice... 968 00:51:08,483 --> 00:51:11,863 ...that she was turning out to be a Jewish American prince. 969 00:51:12,070 --> 00:51:14,070 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 970 00:51:16,908 --> 00:51:19,908 - The shame that she brought all of us... - Will you stop this? 971 00:51:20,078 --> 00:51:22,368 ...by marrying a non-Jew. 972 00:51:22,539 --> 00:51:25,379 - Well, that's me. - JACKIE: What did you do, Flo? 973 00:51:25,876 --> 00:51:27,496 God have mercy on you. 974 00:51:29,087 --> 00:51:31,717 I'm gonna fucking kill you when we get home. 975 00:51:31,882 --> 00:51:34,762 I have my own special gift to present to the newlyweds. 976 00:51:34,926 --> 00:51:36,636 I've been doing volunteer work... 977 00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:40,103 ...down at the mission, for the homeless. 978 00:51:40,265 --> 00:51:42,305 They don't like to be called "bums" anymore. 979 00:51:42,476 --> 00:51:44,936 And they were so moved when I told them about... 980 00:51:45,103 --> 00:51:47,733 ...Brittany and Frankie's reproductive challenges... 981 00:51:47,898 --> 00:51:49,518 ...that they all wanted to help. 982 00:51:49,691 --> 00:51:51,611 So they all got together, each one... 983 00:51:51,777 --> 00:51:54,647 ...and they all contributed to making a very significant... 984 00:51:54,821 --> 00:51:58,031 ...a very thoughtful, a very useful gift: 985 00:51:58,200 --> 00:51:59,490 a pint of semen. 986 00:51:59,868 --> 00:52:01,698 [GASPS AND GROANS] 987 00:52:02,954 --> 00:52:06,084 - Thanks, boys. Give them a hand. - MAN: Disgusting. 988 00:52:06,249 --> 00:52:07,789 They've worn theirs out. 989 00:52:07,959 --> 00:52:09,419 [BOOS AND LAUGHTER] 990 00:52:09,586 --> 00:52:10,836 Oh, my gosh. 991 00:52:11,838 --> 00:52:13,468 James, stop this. 992 00:52:13,632 --> 00:52:16,892 Uncle Jackie would've added a dash and a splash of his own... 993 00:52:17,302 --> 00:52:22,852 ...but that would be incest, and incest, you know, is even worse than being gay. 994 00:52:23,058 --> 00:52:24,768 [BOOS AND BRITTANY LAUGHING] 995 00:52:25,185 --> 00:52:26,765 Boos, really? 996 00:52:26,937 --> 00:52:28,357 Flo likes it. 997 00:52:28,522 --> 00:52:31,652 Apparently, Brittany and I share the same weakness... 998 00:52:31,817 --> 00:52:34,737 ...for wanting to bang beautiful young women. 999 00:52:34,903 --> 00:52:39,623 And yet she turned out to be so normal and I turned out to be so fucked up. 1000 00:52:39,783 --> 00:52:41,873 - How did that happen? - MAN: You got that right. 1001 00:52:42,035 --> 00:52:44,535 I don't know. Maybe it's because... 1002 00:52:48,041 --> 00:52:51,001 ...I never met a woman like Frankie, and maybe it's because... 1003 00:52:51,169 --> 00:52:55,379 ...I never found a love and happiness... 1004 00:52:55,549 --> 00:52:58,129 ...that Brittany and Frankie have found with each other. 1005 00:52:58,426 --> 00:52:59,796 BRITTANY: Mm... 1006 00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:02,720 [SPEAKS IN HEBREW] 1007 00:53:02,889 --> 00:53:03,929 [PEOPLE SPEAK IN HEBREW] 1008 00:53:04,099 --> 00:53:06,979 [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS] 1009 00:53:09,187 --> 00:53:10,477 JACKIE: Mazel tov. 1010 00:53:14,317 --> 00:53:15,527 Whoo! 1011 00:53:20,282 --> 00:53:23,412 Come on. Let's make a run for it before they lynch us. 1012 00:53:24,744 --> 00:53:27,004 - I've never seen anything like that. - Me neither. 1013 00:53:27,163 --> 00:53:29,503 You just can't help yourself, can you? 1014 00:53:29,666 --> 00:53:31,706 This low-life motherfucking brother of yours. 1015 00:53:31,877 --> 00:53:34,957 Takes a dump at our kid's wedding, and that's all you're gonna say? 1016 00:53:35,130 --> 00:53:38,760 What do you want me to say? We let him up there. You know what he does. 1017 00:53:38,925 --> 00:53:44,635 Brittany asked him to be Jackie Burke, so I don't know why you're yelling at him. 1018 00:53:44,806 --> 00:53:46,556 Who the fuck are you to talk to me like that? 1019 00:53:46,725 --> 00:53:48,345 - Flo... - Who invited you... 1020 00:53:48,518 --> 00:53:50,518 ...with your no-underwear dress? 1021 00:53:50,687 --> 00:53:52,057 - This is not... - FLO: Go. Please. 1022 00:53:52,230 --> 00:53:53,650 What the fuck is your problem? 1023 00:53:53,815 --> 00:53:55,435 I don't have a problem. 1024 00:53:55,609 --> 00:53:59,609 Don't yell at me. Don't comment on my dress. Look at your fucking dress. 1025 00:53:59,779 --> 00:54:01,619 - My dress is beautiful. - It's time to cut the cake. 1026 00:54:01,781 --> 00:54:03,161 - Fuck you. - Fuck you back. 1027 00:54:03,325 --> 00:54:05,945 Fuck you back. Fuck you back. 1028 00:54:06,119 --> 00:54:08,329 It's time to cut the cake. 1029 00:54:08,496 --> 00:54:11,626 - It's time to cut the cake. - You're lucky I don't get my brothers... 1030 00:54:11,791 --> 00:54:15,921 ...to cut your nut sack off before you hit the tunnel! 1031 00:54:16,087 --> 00:54:19,007 - What's the problem? The kids loved it. - Come on. Let me at him. 1032 00:54:19,174 --> 00:54:21,644 - Come on. Let me at him. - Stupid bitch! 1033 00:54:22,552 --> 00:54:24,642 - You're the mother... - Oh, shut up! 1034 00:54:24,804 --> 00:54:27,774 - Let me go. - I'll see you again, in hell, motherfucker! 1035 00:54:27,933 --> 00:54:31,063 - You are a beast! - JACKIE: Okay. Just calm down. 1036 00:54:31,645 --> 00:54:36,105 "You're lucky my brothers don't cut your nut sack off before you get to the tunnel." 1037 00:54:36,274 --> 00:54:37,904 - Ha-ha-ha. - She's a nut case. 1038 00:54:38,068 --> 00:54:40,108 She's amazing. I love her. 1039 00:54:40,278 --> 00:54:43,238 That's what I get for doing something nice for my brother's kid. 1040 00:54:43,406 --> 00:54:44,816 - HARMONY: That was so much fun. - Family. 1041 00:54:44,991 --> 00:54:46,581 Tomorrow night's your turn. 1042 00:54:46,910 --> 00:54:49,410 [♪♪♪] 1043 00:55:05,762 --> 00:55:07,262 - Hi. - Hi. 1044 00:55:07,430 --> 00:55:10,310 - Thanks for doing this. - No problem. 1045 00:55:10,475 --> 00:55:12,385 - Hmm. - You okay? 1046 00:55:13,353 --> 00:55:15,153 You look beautiful. 1047 00:55:15,647 --> 00:55:17,147 You know this joint's famous. 1048 00:55:17,315 --> 00:55:20,775 Back in '85, Big Paulie Castellano got whacked right here on this sidewalk. 1049 00:55:20,944 --> 00:55:21,954 HARMONY: Yeah. 1050 00:55:22,112 --> 00:55:23,742 - Paulie was a friend of my dad's. - JACKIE: Uh-oh. 1051 00:55:23,905 --> 00:55:25,815 I'm taking you with me. 1052 00:55:25,991 --> 00:55:27,121 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 1053 00:55:28,618 --> 00:55:29,998 Hi. 1054 00:55:31,162 --> 00:55:32,372 That's him right there. 1055 00:55:32,539 --> 00:55:34,459 MAN: Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz. 1056 00:55:34,624 --> 00:55:36,884 [♪♪♪] 1057 00:55:45,719 --> 00:55:47,429 - Whoa. - Heh. 1058 00:55:47,595 --> 00:55:50,265 Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Is this who I think it is? 1059 00:55:50,432 --> 00:55:51,562 Is it Eddie? 1060 00:55:51,725 --> 00:55:54,095 I think it's Eddie, but it's Jackie. 1061 00:55:54,269 --> 00:55:57,059 It's Eddie. My baby. 1062 00:55:57,230 --> 00:56:01,820 Boy, you did it this time. What a birthday surprise. 1063 00:56:01,985 --> 00:56:03,895 "Arlene." 1064 00:56:04,112 --> 00:56:06,072 - Oh. Ha-ha-ha. - Thank you. 1065 00:56:06,239 --> 00:56:09,949 Thank you, Eddie, for all the countless laughs. Thank you. 1066 00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:13,708 Happy birthday. And I just wanna... It's Jackie, by the way. 1067 00:56:13,872 --> 00:56:15,172 [LAUGHS] 1068 00:56:15,373 --> 00:56:17,673 I've enjoyed you so much. 1069 00:56:17,834 --> 00:56:19,754 Look at that punim. Look at it. 1070 00:56:19,919 --> 00:56:21,589 [HARMONY AND MAC LAUGH] 1071 00:56:21,838 --> 00:56:23,838 In fact, so much, I can do you. 1072 00:56:24,007 --> 00:56:25,217 - I can. - You can? 1073 00:56:25,383 --> 00:56:26,593 - Did she tell you? - No. No. 1074 00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:27,970 Yeah. He can do you. 1075 00:56:28,136 --> 00:56:31,256 I've been doing you in the bathroom and at parties for decades. 1076 00:56:31,431 --> 00:56:33,641 You must have a better manager than I do. 1077 00:56:33,808 --> 00:56:35,138 [LAUGHS] 1078 00:56:35,351 --> 00:56:37,101 Sit. Sit. 1079 00:56:37,270 --> 00:56:38,900 Sit. 1080 00:56:39,064 --> 00:56:44,654 - Gino. Ring the register. Eddie's here. - Copy that, Mr. Schiltz. 1081 00:56:45,445 --> 00:56:47,195 Jesus, I don't believe this. 1082 00:56:47,363 --> 00:56:49,623 What a birthday present. 1083 00:56:50,241 --> 00:56:52,291 - What are you drinking? - Chivas on the rocks. 1084 00:56:52,452 --> 00:56:55,332 - For you? - My baby drinks martinis. 1085 00:56:55,955 --> 00:56:57,035 Hey. 1086 00:56:57,207 --> 00:57:03,047 How about giving us one big "Arlene, where are you?" 1087 00:57:03,213 --> 00:57:04,263 Do it. Come on. 1088 00:57:04,422 --> 00:57:05,842 - HARMONY: Dad. No. - Do I have to? 1089 00:57:06,007 --> 00:57:07,297 MAC: Yeah. For my birthday. 1090 00:57:07,467 --> 00:57:08,677 Come on. Please. 1091 00:57:08,843 --> 00:57:11,053 - Come on. I don't wanna do it. - Come on. Once. 1092 00:57:11,221 --> 00:57:12,761 - Dad, don't. - Huh? 1093 00:57:14,057 --> 00:57:19,187 Hey, I don't expect anyone to work for free. 1094 00:57:19,354 --> 00:57:21,484 No, no, no. No, what are you doing? No. 1095 00:57:21,648 --> 00:57:22,818 - What? - Sorry. No. 1096 00:57:22,982 --> 00:57:24,782 - Put it away. Don't do that. - Put what? 1097 00:57:24,943 --> 00:57:28,283 - Sorry. - No. You misunderstand. 1098 00:57:28,446 --> 00:57:30,656 Eddie, I don't mean to embarrass you. 1099 00:57:30,824 --> 00:57:34,334 I'll tell you what. Let me do it. Let me do you. I got you down. 1100 00:57:34,494 --> 00:57:36,584 - I'll pay you not to. - Heh, heh. 1101 00:57:36,746 --> 00:57:37,786 That's funny... 1102 00:57:37,956 --> 00:57:40,126 ...but you don't wanna get into a pissing contest with me about money. 1103 00:57:40,291 --> 00:57:42,841 Come on, let's have some fun. This is me respecting you. 1104 00:57:43,002 --> 00:57:44,672 You're my favorite. 1105 00:57:44,838 --> 00:57:46,758 "Arlene..." 1106 00:57:46,923 --> 00:57:51,093 - ...whose vibrator, ha, ha, is this? - Heh. 1107 00:57:51,261 --> 00:57:53,681 "Did you take the batteries out of the smoke alarm again?" 1108 00:57:53,847 --> 00:57:55,217 [MAC LAUGHING] 1109 00:57:56,891 --> 00:57:58,941 HARMONY: Okay. Show's over. 1110 00:57:59,686 --> 00:58:01,096 - Thank you. - Sure. 1111 00:58:01,271 --> 00:58:03,111 Cheers. Happy birthday. 1112 00:58:03,273 --> 00:58:05,943 - Happy birthday, Mac. - Thank you, Eddie. 1113 00:58:06,776 --> 00:58:08,316 Jackie. 1114 00:58:08,778 --> 00:58:09,898 HARMONY: Mm. 1115 00:58:10,071 --> 00:58:13,161 How was my timing? Give me some input. 1116 00:58:13,449 --> 00:58:15,989 Whoo. I thought you were me for a second. 1117 00:58:16,161 --> 00:58:18,371 Try doing it while drinking a glass of water. 1118 00:58:18,580 --> 00:58:20,370 [LAUGHING] 1119 00:58:22,792 --> 00:58:25,962 - Have a drink. - God, you were great. You were great. 1120 00:58:26,129 --> 00:58:28,209 [WHISPERING] Drink some more. It'll make it easier. 1121 00:58:28,381 --> 00:58:30,131 [LAUGHS] 1122 00:58:31,593 --> 00:58:33,013 So how did you two meet? 1123 00:58:33,720 --> 00:58:37,220 We do our community service together down at the Apostle Soup Kitchen. 1124 00:58:37,390 --> 00:58:39,100 Oh! Right. 1125 00:58:39,267 --> 00:58:41,387 You don't have to worry about that anymore. 1126 00:58:41,561 --> 00:58:43,861 I got them to transfer your hours to Florida. 1127 00:58:44,022 --> 00:58:45,652 I thought we talked about that. 1128 00:58:45,815 --> 00:58:47,475 - Remember, we talked about that. - Uh-huh. 1129 00:58:47,650 --> 00:58:49,530 Because I'm not sure if I wanna go back. 1130 00:58:49,694 --> 00:58:51,994 But you don't know where you wanna go. 1131 00:58:52,155 --> 00:58:54,235 She's always been such a mamzer. Ahh... 1132 00:58:54,741 --> 00:58:56,661 I'm at the table. I'm still sitting here. 1133 00:58:56,826 --> 00:58:59,246 - Here at the table. - It's done. I chartered a plane. 1134 00:58:59,412 --> 00:59:00,622 We're leaving tomorrow. 1135 00:59:00,788 --> 00:59:03,288 Noon. Teterboro. 1136 00:59:03,708 --> 00:59:04,998 What's in Florida? 1137 00:59:05,168 --> 00:59:08,628 I own this retirement community in Delray Beach. We help the elderly... 1138 00:59:08,796 --> 00:59:12,216 - ...to live out their lives with some dignity. - I'd like to pass through this dinner... 1139 00:59:12,383 --> 00:59:14,183 - ...with some dignity. - Sha! 1140 00:59:14,844 --> 00:59:17,644 She's great with the old people. She's got a magic touch. 1141 00:59:18,097 --> 00:59:19,807 Well, she's a wonderful person. 1142 00:59:20,850 --> 00:59:24,980 It's okay, honey. When you come back from Florida, we'll find our place to live. 1143 00:59:25,146 --> 00:59:26,146 - What? - What? 1144 00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:27,614 We're moving in together. 1145 00:59:27,774 --> 00:59:30,034 Is it okay if I call you "Dad"? 1146 00:59:32,862 --> 00:59:35,372 You're a funny man, but this is my daughter. 1147 00:59:35,531 --> 00:59:37,701 Yeah, I know. Every daughter has a mother... 1148 00:59:37,867 --> 00:59:40,497 ...every mother has a daughter. The girl that left before... 1149 00:59:40,662 --> 00:59:43,212 ...probably has a grandmother or a grandfather. 1150 00:59:43,373 --> 00:59:45,043 Harmony's my daughter. 1151 00:59:45,208 --> 00:59:47,668 She's not the punch line for somebody's jokes. 1152 00:59:47,835 --> 00:59:50,955 And when you look at my daughter and the way she's looking at you... 1153 00:59:51,130 --> 00:59:52,880 I'm not. What are you talking about? 1154 00:59:53,049 --> 00:59:54,759 I wanna know your expectations. 1155 00:59:54,926 --> 00:59:56,926 - My expectations? - Expectations. 1156 00:59:57,095 --> 00:59:58,595 Yeah. 1157 00:59:59,097 --> 01:00:01,557 To fuck her brains out. After that, we'll see. 1158 01:00:08,606 --> 01:00:10,476 HARMONY: Mm. 1159 01:00:12,485 --> 01:00:13,775 You know... 1160 01:00:13,945 --> 01:00:15,695 ...I'm a sucker for an honest man. 1161 01:00:15,863 --> 01:00:18,833 And I'm a sucker for a girl that has daddy issues. 1162 01:00:18,992 --> 01:00:22,162 Okay. So you go to the bar, and I'll meet you there in a minute. 1163 01:00:22,328 --> 01:00:25,368 Sure. It's been a terrific crowd. Nice to meet you, Pops. 1164 01:00:25,540 --> 01:00:27,420 Happy birthday. 1165 01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:32,260 Don't tell me you're interested in that schmuck. 1166 01:00:32,422 --> 01:00:37,012 Okay. If you had listened at all and shut your mouth for one second... 1167 01:00:37,176 --> 01:00:39,796 ...you would know that I wasn't interested in him at all. 1168 01:00:39,971 --> 01:00:41,601 But you don't ever shut up. 1169 01:00:41,764 --> 01:00:43,774 You don't ever shut up. You're unbelievable. 1170 01:00:43,933 --> 01:00:46,193 - Where are you going? - Unbelievable. I'm leaving. 1171 01:00:46,352 --> 01:00:47,692 Wait a second. Wait a second. 1172 01:00:47,854 --> 01:00:49,694 - He's an asshole. Let him go. - You are. 1173 01:00:49,856 --> 01:00:50,896 I'll take care of him. 1174 01:00:51,065 --> 01:00:53,395 You're not gonna take care of him. No. 1175 01:00:53,568 --> 01:00:54,858 You're being the asshole. 1176 01:00:55,028 --> 01:00:57,448 Don't embarrass me like that in front of people. 1177 01:00:57,613 --> 01:00:59,453 - That's humiliating. - I humiliated you? 1178 01:00:59,615 --> 01:01:02,115 That was humiliating. Don't talk about me like that... 1179 01:01:02,285 --> 01:01:05,155 - ...in front of people. I have self-respect. - Where's your self-respect? 1180 01:01:05,330 --> 01:01:06,580 - I am not doing this... - Go. 1181 01:01:06,748 --> 01:01:09,578 ...in a restaurant with you. I'll see you at Teterboro. 1182 01:01:09,751 --> 01:01:11,591 Happy birthday. 1183 01:01:13,504 --> 01:01:16,384 Come on. I need about 10 drinks. 1184 01:01:26,100 --> 01:01:28,440 - JACKIE: Arlene. - HARMONY: Ha-ha-ha. 1185 01:01:28,644 --> 01:01:30,154 HARMONY: Arlene. 1186 01:01:30,313 --> 01:01:31,863 - That was good. - HARMONY: Was that good? 1187 01:01:32,023 --> 01:01:33,483 JACKIE: That was good. Very good. 1188 01:01:33,649 --> 01:01:38,609 You should've seen the look on your face when Mac said, "Arlene... Arl..." 1189 01:01:38,780 --> 01:01:40,320 Wait. Wait. 1190 01:01:40,490 --> 01:01:42,120 - Wait. What? - Arlene. 1191 01:01:42,283 --> 01:01:43,833 [HARMONY LAUGHS] 1192 01:01:43,993 --> 01:01:45,833 HARMONY: Welcome. 1193 01:01:45,995 --> 01:01:46,995 Wow. 1194 01:01:47,163 --> 01:01:49,003 This is nice. 1195 01:01:49,165 --> 01:01:51,875 If you don't get murdered on the street before you get in. 1196 01:01:52,043 --> 01:01:54,553 They're artists. Not murderers. 1197 01:01:54,712 --> 01:01:56,552 - You want some bourbon? - Sure. Sure. 1198 01:01:56,714 --> 01:01:58,554 I think these artists got guns. 1199 01:01:58,716 --> 01:01:59,926 Sure you wanna leave? 1200 01:02:00,093 --> 01:02:02,053 I have to. I'm on parole. 1201 01:02:02,220 --> 01:02:04,470 I can't fight my dad and his expensive lawyer. 1202 01:02:04,639 --> 01:02:06,179 I don't have that kind of money. 1203 01:02:06,349 --> 01:02:07,889 I'm moving to the Sunshine State. 1204 01:02:08,059 --> 01:02:09,849 - You want some? - Make it a double. 1205 01:02:10,019 --> 01:02:13,149 I'm gonna be up all night packing all this stuff. 1206 01:02:13,314 --> 01:02:16,234 Why pack now? Relax. Here. 1207 01:02:16,818 --> 01:02:18,188 Cheers. 1208 01:02:22,365 --> 01:02:24,445 I mean, I think Florida will be good. 1209 01:02:24,617 --> 01:02:27,077 I love working with the elderly people. 1210 01:02:27,245 --> 01:02:29,155 They like me, and I'm good at it. 1211 01:02:29,330 --> 01:02:32,040 And it seems like Florida has a lot to offer. 1212 01:02:32,208 --> 01:02:35,628 - Yeah. Like what? Besides skin cancer. - Ha, ha, ha. 1213 01:02:36,879 --> 01:02:38,259 You know what I loved? 1214 01:02:39,507 --> 01:02:42,547 I loved that you pissed off Mac tonight. That was great. 1215 01:02:42,718 --> 01:02:45,298 He's a difficult person. I can see that. I mean... 1216 01:02:45,471 --> 01:02:48,061 But you gotta tell him back. You gotta talk back to him. 1217 01:02:48,224 --> 01:02:49,934 - Talk back to him? - Yeah. Talk back. 1218 01:02:50,101 --> 01:02:51,231 - And say? - You gotta say: 1219 01:02:51,394 --> 01:02:55,154 "Dad, don't talk to me that way. Stop this. Stop being crazy." 1220 01:02:55,314 --> 01:02:56,364 Yeah. Right. 1221 01:02:56,524 --> 01:02:58,284 - He'll listen and respect you. - No, he won't. 1222 01:02:58,443 --> 01:03:00,033 He might be upset, but he'll respect you. 1223 01:03:00,194 --> 01:03:04,244 Ha-ha-ha. Can you imagine? Yeah. He's a good listener. 1224 01:03:04,657 --> 01:03:05,867 And your mother? 1225 01:03:06,701 --> 01:03:08,951 My mother, she... My mother... 1226 01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:10,830 Ahem. This is a true story. 1227 01:03:10,997 --> 01:03:12,707 My mother... 1228 01:03:12,874 --> 01:03:16,004 ...when I was 4, went to the market... 1229 01:03:16,169 --> 01:03:18,339 ...and then she never came home. 1230 01:03:18,504 --> 01:03:21,264 - Really, she never came home? - Never came home. 1231 01:03:21,424 --> 01:03:25,604 And Mac never explained what happened. 1232 01:03:25,761 --> 01:03:28,931 I don't... Why would she do that? 1233 01:03:29,098 --> 01:03:30,928 You were 4 years old. 1234 01:03:31,100 --> 01:03:33,020 And, you know, it wasn't your fault. 1235 01:03:33,186 --> 01:03:35,346 - Yeah. - Well, she was married to your father. 1236 01:03:35,521 --> 01:03:38,941 I mean, I met the guy for 15, 20 minutes, and I wanted to leave. 1237 01:03:39,108 --> 01:03:41,608 You think that's why she didn't come back? 1238 01:03:41,777 --> 01:03:43,237 - Well, I know that's why. - Maybe. 1239 01:03:43,404 --> 01:03:47,874 I mean, your father's a prick, but at the same time, your father's there. 1240 01:03:48,034 --> 01:03:49,544 You know, I... 1241 01:03:49,702 --> 01:03:51,252 In... 1242 01:03:53,039 --> 01:03:54,959 When I was... 1243 01:03:55,625 --> 01:03:57,625 ...a lot younger, I was... 1244 01:03:57,793 --> 01:04:00,553 ...not around a lot, and I wasn't there for my son. 1245 01:04:00,713 --> 01:04:02,923 - You had a son? - Yeah. 1246 01:04:03,299 --> 01:04:07,679 Well, I had one son, and he died. He passed away. 1247 01:04:10,473 --> 01:04:12,063 I'm sorry. 1248 01:04:12,225 --> 01:04:13,765 Yeah. 1249 01:04:14,310 --> 01:04:15,810 It was an overdose. 1250 01:04:17,146 --> 01:04:20,266 His mother and I weren't there for him. It was a toxic relationship. 1251 01:04:20,441 --> 01:04:21,821 I was always on the road. 1252 01:04:21,984 --> 01:04:25,324 Probably avoiding the whole situation. I was young. I was stupid. 1253 01:04:25,488 --> 01:04:29,328 I can't give an excuse. I have no reason to say anything except that I was wrong. 1254 01:04:29,492 --> 01:04:32,912 And I didn't accept the responsibility. I didn't do what I should've done. 1255 01:04:33,079 --> 01:04:35,499 You know? And what do I do? I make jokes about it. 1256 01:04:35,665 --> 01:04:40,085 I'm a comedian. I make a joke about horrible "mother-wife" jokes. 1257 01:04:40,253 --> 01:04:41,713 How do you...? What do you mean? 1258 01:04:41,879 --> 01:04:43,509 Well, I tell these fucking jokes. 1259 01:04:43,673 --> 01:04:46,683 You know, these horrible my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes. 1260 01:04:46,842 --> 01:04:49,722 - What's a horrible mother and wife? - No. I don't wanna do it. 1261 01:04:49,887 --> 01:04:52,967 Why not? Why not? Come on. 1262 01:04:53,140 --> 01:04:57,100 Wait. What? Tell me. Here. Come on. Okay. Stand up. 1263 01:04:58,437 --> 01:05:01,017 Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Burke. 1264 01:05:01,190 --> 01:05:03,190 - Okay. Go. - Okay. 1265 01:05:03,359 --> 01:05:04,859 Okay. What do you want me to do? 1266 01:05:05,027 --> 01:05:08,317 - What do you wanna do? - Well, you know what I wanna do. 1267 01:05:08,489 --> 01:05:10,739 So, what do I have to do to get what I wanna do? 1268 01:05:10,908 --> 01:05:11,948 [LAUGHS] 1269 01:05:12,118 --> 01:05:14,078 I don't know. It depends how funny you are. 1270 01:05:14,495 --> 01:05:16,705 Ladies and gentlemen... 1271 01:05:16,872 --> 01:05:21,422 ...did you hear about the daddy's girl who had sex with a 67-year-old comedian? 1272 01:05:22,587 --> 01:05:25,547 Are you only 67? I thought you were 70. 1273 01:05:25,715 --> 01:05:27,375 No. No, but I do wear a diaper. 1274 01:05:27,550 --> 01:05:30,850 - Oh, cute. That's sexy. - Can you help me change it? 1275 01:05:31,012 --> 01:05:32,682 Ha, ha, ha. 1276 01:05:33,848 --> 01:05:35,598 Mm. 1277 01:05:36,767 --> 01:05:38,727 Come sit down. 1278 01:05:39,145 --> 01:05:40,765 Come here. 1279 01:05:42,398 --> 01:05:45,108 - I got out of that one. - Ha-ha-ha. 1280 01:05:45,276 --> 01:05:48,236 This is not what I wanna be doing. Stand-up tonight. 1281 01:05:48,404 --> 01:05:49,914 You're really good. 1282 01:05:50,072 --> 01:05:52,952 You're really funny, and you're really cute. 1283 01:05:53,784 --> 01:05:56,664 This is just something I wanna do. Okay? 1284 01:05:56,829 --> 01:05:58,249 It doesn't mean anything. 1285 01:05:58,414 --> 01:06:00,964 It doesn't? Oh. 1286 01:06:01,125 --> 01:06:03,875 Well, then you have to be gentle because it's my first time. 1287 01:06:04,045 --> 01:06:05,455 [CHUCKLES] 1288 01:06:05,796 --> 01:06:07,796 And you're not gonna spend the night. 1289 01:06:07,965 --> 01:06:09,005 - I'm not? - No. 1290 01:06:09,175 --> 01:06:13,005 What am I supposed to do, leave my dick here and pick it up in the morning? 1291 01:06:13,179 --> 01:06:15,349 Hm. Hm... 1292 01:06:16,098 --> 01:06:18,978 [♪♪♪] 1293 01:06:20,645 --> 01:06:22,645 [SIRENS WAILING] 1294 01:07:28,629 --> 01:07:30,209 Chow mein? 1295 01:07:32,675 --> 01:07:33,875 Fuck you. 1296 01:07:34,051 --> 01:07:36,431 "Fuck you." That's good too. 1297 01:07:41,559 --> 01:07:44,189 - Hold it. Thank you. - Good afternoon, Friar Crystal. 1298 01:07:44,353 --> 01:07:45,943 - Good to see you. - Nice to see you. 1299 01:07:46,105 --> 01:07:47,515 - Jackie. You're out. - Billy. 1300 01:07:47,690 --> 01:07:49,940 - I'm out. - Yeah. Good. 1301 01:07:50,109 --> 01:07:52,949 Oh, uh... 1302 01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,362 Must've been strange, huh? 1303 01:07:56,031 --> 01:07:58,371 - Interesting. - Yeah. 1304 01:07:59,660 --> 01:08:02,250 Maximum security, I'm guessing. 1305 01:08:02,413 --> 01:08:03,913 - Yeah. - Really? 1306 01:08:04,081 --> 01:08:05,541 Kind of. 1307 01:08:05,708 --> 01:08:07,458 - Wow. - Yeah. 1308 01:08:07,668 --> 01:08:09,248 Roommate? 1309 01:08:10,796 --> 01:08:12,006 Yeah. 1310 01:08:12,173 --> 01:08:13,633 - You're blushing. - I found love. 1311 01:08:13,799 --> 01:08:15,429 [LAUGHS] 1312 01:08:15,593 --> 01:08:17,513 He's a lucky guy. 1313 01:08:17,678 --> 01:08:20,008 All that rain must be tough on your ankle bracelet, huh? 1314 01:08:20,181 --> 01:08:21,221 [LAUGHS] 1315 01:08:21,390 --> 01:08:23,350 I'm just kidding. I'm glad you're out. 1316 01:08:23,517 --> 01:08:25,597 I'm glad you're doing okay. 1317 01:08:25,770 --> 01:08:27,770 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS AND DOOR OPENS] 1318 01:08:29,482 --> 01:08:32,072 - Take care of yourself. Yeah. - You too. 1319 01:08:32,234 --> 01:08:33,324 - Yeah. - Work that jab. 1320 01:08:33,486 --> 01:08:34,646 Yeah. Right, asshole. 1321 01:08:34,820 --> 01:08:35,860 [LAUGHS] 1322 01:08:36,030 --> 01:08:37,280 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 1323 01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,910 What a schmuck. 1324 01:08:41,118 --> 01:08:43,368 [PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] 1325 01:08:44,371 --> 01:08:46,711 [PEOPLE CHATTERING] 1326 01:08:48,959 --> 01:08:50,589 MAN: Hey, look who's here. 1327 01:08:50,753 --> 01:08:52,383 Hey. 1328 01:08:52,546 --> 01:08:54,966 Hey, look who it is. It's Jackie boy. 1329 01:08:55,132 --> 01:08:56,342 - Jackie. - It's the man. 1330 01:08:56,509 --> 01:08:57,679 Gentlemen. 1331 01:08:57,843 --> 01:09:00,513 - You still funny? - No. I'm doing your jokes now, Dick. 1332 01:09:00,679 --> 01:09:03,769 I heard you're having a rough time. Anything we can do, we're here. 1333 01:09:03,933 --> 01:09:07,983 I appreciate that, D'Angelo. Sure, if I need syphilis, I'll let you know. 1334 01:09:08,187 --> 01:09:09,227 [MEN CHUCKLING] 1335 01:09:09,396 --> 01:09:13,026 - We still holding a grudge? - No. Are you still doing my jokes, Dick? 1336 01:09:13,192 --> 01:09:15,152 - Only the good bits. - Good. 1337 01:09:15,319 --> 01:09:17,659 - Because I'm still doing your ex-wife. - Ha-ha-ha. 1338 01:09:17,822 --> 01:09:19,912 Aw, some things never change. 1339 01:09:20,741 --> 01:09:23,871 Chivas on the rocks, drop of water for Mr. Burke, please. 1340 01:09:24,870 --> 01:09:26,870 I thought I fired you. 1341 01:09:27,039 --> 01:09:28,499 I've got a possible gig. 1342 01:09:28,666 --> 01:09:32,706 Great. What do I have to do, dress up as Eddie for a children's birthday party? 1343 01:09:33,254 --> 01:09:35,924 Do you want a job, or do you want to be asshole? 1344 01:09:36,590 --> 01:09:37,800 Do I have to choose? 1345 01:09:38,676 --> 01:09:41,716 So I'm the treasurer here. We had a big meeting last night. 1346 01:09:41,887 --> 01:09:44,717 We're having a tribute for May Conner February 1st. 1347 01:09:44,890 --> 01:09:46,730 It's gonna be a big event. TV special. 1348 01:09:46,892 --> 01:09:49,272 Network thinks they're gonna pull 7 million viewers. 1349 01:09:49,436 --> 01:09:50,896 May Conner. 1350 01:09:51,063 --> 01:09:52,483 Love her. 1351 01:09:52,648 --> 01:09:56,108 So D'Angelo is responsible for the programming. He's calling all the shots. 1352 01:09:56,277 --> 01:09:59,407 And as of right now, it's overbooked. 1353 01:10:02,241 --> 01:10:05,081 - Is Billy doing it? - He's not available. 1354 01:10:05,244 --> 01:10:06,834 We're hoping that changes. 1355 01:10:06,996 --> 01:10:09,206 And if that changes, it's not overbooked for him. 1356 01:10:09,373 --> 01:10:11,133 No. Billy Crystal is royalty. 1357 01:10:11,292 --> 01:10:13,342 You are not even a member anymore, Jackie. 1358 01:10:13,502 --> 01:10:16,842 You can't show up every once in a while and expect to be on the dais. 1359 01:10:17,006 --> 01:10:19,506 Okay? You have got to rejoin. 1360 01:10:20,509 --> 01:10:22,549 Kiss the ring, please. Just this once. 1361 01:10:25,222 --> 01:10:27,642 What a fucking shit world this is. 1362 01:10:27,808 --> 01:10:30,388 Hey, Dick, do you have a minute? 1363 01:10:30,561 --> 01:10:32,651 Okay. Okay. 1364 01:10:33,522 --> 01:10:36,822 Listen, I want a good spot on the rotation. I don't wanna go after him. 1365 01:10:36,984 --> 01:10:38,864 This fuck will steal every joke I have. 1366 01:10:39,028 --> 01:10:40,908 You want a spot on May's tribute? 1367 01:10:41,864 --> 01:10:43,164 Yeah. Miller mentioned it. 1368 01:10:43,324 --> 01:10:45,624 Actually, I'd be honored to do it. 1369 01:10:47,745 --> 01:10:49,995 She's a barely-living legend. 1370 01:10:51,332 --> 01:10:55,672 Funny. Well, I'm not saying for sure it's overbooked now, but, uh... 1371 01:10:55,836 --> 01:10:57,876 ...anything is possible. 1372 01:11:00,674 --> 01:11:03,144 Pretty please, Dick? 1373 01:11:03,677 --> 01:11:06,557 Miller told me you're thinking about rejoining. If you did... 1374 01:11:06,722 --> 01:11:10,562 ...that would go a long way, but since I'm also head of the membership committee... 1375 01:11:10,726 --> 01:11:13,146 ...I need to ask you a serious question. 1376 01:11:13,687 --> 01:11:15,727 Is your parole officer joining the club with you? 1377 01:11:15,898 --> 01:11:19,028 Because I can get you a couple's membership. 1378 01:11:19,693 --> 01:11:22,073 - Funny. - Ha, ha, ha! 1379 01:11:24,365 --> 01:11:27,115 You did good. That wasn't so bad now, was it? 1380 01:11:27,284 --> 01:11:29,584 I need a power wash. 1381 01:11:31,246 --> 01:11:34,206 [♪♪♪] 1382 01:11:54,937 --> 01:11:57,767 HARMONY [ON RECORDING]: Hi, it's Harmony. Leave a message. 1383 01:11:57,940 --> 01:12:00,230 Hey, Harmony, how are you? It's me. 1384 01:12:00,401 --> 01:12:02,611 Everything okay? I haven't heard from you. 1385 01:12:02,778 --> 01:12:04,858 The boys at the mission are asking about you. 1386 01:12:05,030 --> 01:12:08,450 Tell Mac I said, "Arlene." 1387 01:12:08,617 --> 01:12:10,657 Okay. Get back to me. 1388 01:12:12,287 --> 01:12:14,457 [♪♪♪] 1389 01:12:16,750 --> 01:12:18,340 [GROUP LAUGHING] 1390 01:12:18,502 --> 01:12:20,962 REPORTER: Ms. Conner, how many husbands did you really have? 1391 01:12:21,130 --> 01:12:24,800 MAY: Husbands? I can't remember. Were there five of them or seven? 1392 01:12:25,009 --> 01:12:26,049 [ALL LAUGHING] 1393 01:12:26,218 --> 01:12:29,388 Okay, everybody, we're gonna take five. Thank you. 1394 01:12:29,555 --> 01:12:32,555 Can we take a break with the pictures? I need a martini. 1395 01:12:32,725 --> 01:12:34,225 JACKIE: May. 1396 01:12:34,810 --> 01:12:36,230 Jackie Burke. 1397 01:12:36,895 --> 01:12:39,305 - Hey, kid. - How you doing? 1398 01:12:39,898 --> 01:12:42,318 What an honor it is to be ripping you a new one... 1399 01:12:42,484 --> 01:12:44,784 ...in the name of such a worthy cause. 1400 01:12:47,114 --> 01:12:50,084 - You mind if I smoke? - I don't care if you burn. 1401 01:12:50,242 --> 01:12:52,162 I always loved that line. 1402 01:12:52,327 --> 01:12:54,707 - I loved Gleason. - Oh, Gleason loved me. 1403 01:12:54,872 --> 01:12:57,832 - He loved my tits. - Oh. We all loved your tits. 1404 01:12:58,584 --> 01:13:01,504 May, I don't think you can smoke inside. 1405 01:13:01,670 --> 01:13:06,510 I'm 95. If I wanna smoke or piss on the sidewalk or say the N word... 1406 01:13:06,675 --> 01:13:08,135 ...I'm fucking gonna do it. 1407 01:13:08,302 --> 01:13:09,342 - Eh. - MAY: Eh. 1408 01:13:09,511 --> 01:13:13,101 The world today, heh, heh, so goddamn serious about everything. 1409 01:13:13,265 --> 01:13:14,675 Exactly. Exactly. 1410 01:13:14,850 --> 01:13:17,270 I'm going to the bar. Okay? What do you want? 1411 01:13:17,436 --> 01:13:19,056 Martini, one olive, like always? 1412 01:13:19,229 --> 01:13:21,729 God bless you. 1413 01:13:21,899 --> 01:13:23,569 Okay. 1414 01:13:25,527 --> 01:13:27,527 Who was that? 1415 01:13:27,696 --> 01:13:31,526 D'ANGELO: All right, everyone. Let's salute our honored guest. 1416 01:13:31,742 --> 01:13:33,582 [CHEERING] 1417 01:13:42,544 --> 01:13:44,554 May? May, listen to me, okay? 1418 01:13:44,713 --> 01:13:46,133 I'm your friend. Okay? 1419 01:13:46,799 --> 01:13:51,009 It's over. You're finished. Finito. Your movies are on the History channel. 1420 01:13:51,178 --> 01:13:53,058 And your movies? 1421 01:13:53,222 --> 01:13:56,102 What movies? You aren't in any movies. 1422 01:13:56,308 --> 01:13:57,348 [LAUGHING] 1423 01:13:57,518 --> 01:13:58,938 MAN 1: You tell him, May! 1424 01:13:59,103 --> 01:14:01,483 - All joking aside... - What jokes? 1425 01:14:01,647 --> 01:14:02,977 [CROWD LAUGHING] 1426 01:14:03,148 --> 01:14:05,398 - WOMAN 1: She told you, Dick. - MAN 2: Go get them, May. 1427 01:14:05,567 --> 01:14:09,107 You, truly, are one of the greatest talents in this business. What can I say? 1428 01:14:09,279 --> 01:14:11,119 You're a barely-living legend. 1429 01:14:11,782 --> 01:14:13,412 [CROWD GROANING] 1430 01:14:13,575 --> 01:14:16,865 I mean... I mean, quite honestly, I'm amazed you're still sitting up. 1431 01:14:17,746 --> 01:14:20,166 Okay. That's enough, Dick. 1432 01:14:20,332 --> 01:14:21,542 Wake up, people. 1433 01:14:21,708 --> 01:14:24,918 The "whatever-happened-to" portion of the evening is officially over. 1434 01:14:25,087 --> 01:14:26,417 - Go back to sleep. - Go to hell. 1435 01:14:26,588 --> 01:14:28,338 Or do you need your parole officer's permission? 1436 01:14:28,507 --> 01:14:29,547 "Parole officer" this. 1437 01:14:29,716 --> 01:14:31,636 Come on, get the fuck out of here. 1438 01:14:32,678 --> 01:14:35,598 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the Friars Club... 1439 01:14:35,764 --> 01:14:41,814 ...Jackie Burke, also known as Eddie, also known as prisoner 9-4-2-8-2-8. 1440 01:14:41,979 --> 01:14:44,399 MAN 3: Jailbird! 1441 01:14:44,565 --> 01:14:47,985 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did a little time. 1442 01:14:48,569 --> 01:14:51,109 But my 30 days is nothing compared to the hard time... 1443 01:14:51,280 --> 01:14:54,030 ...you just served listening to this guy, D'Angelo. 1444 01:14:54,199 --> 01:14:55,909 Give him a hand. 1445 01:14:56,368 --> 01:14:59,368 - Now let's get to the main event. - WOMAN 2: Looking great, May! 1446 01:14:59,538 --> 01:15:01,458 - May... - WOMAN 2: Yeah, May. 1447 01:15:01,623 --> 01:15:03,543 ...oh, May. 1448 01:15:04,710 --> 01:15:07,670 We've heard a lot about your many accomplishments tonight... 1449 01:15:07,838 --> 01:15:11,338 ...but no one's really talked about how tough it was for you starting out. 1450 01:15:11,508 --> 01:15:12,798 It was tough. 1451 01:15:12,968 --> 01:15:16,048 It was tough. You tell me about it. I know how tough it was. 1452 01:15:16,221 --> 01:15:18,431 - Well, tell me about it. - All right. 1453 01:15:18,599 --> 01:15:21,729 Today, you can get by just by blowing the director. 1454 01:15:21,894 --> 01:15:23,104 WOMAN 3: I love you, May! 1455 01:15:23,312 --> 01:15:26,062 [BOTH LAUGHING] 1456 01:15:26,732 --> 01:15:30,112 But, God, when I think of the things that you had to do. 1457 01:15:30,277 --> 01:15:32,647 - I did. - But whatever you did worked... 1458 01:15:32,821 --> 01:15:35,451 ...because you played some of the most iconic... 1459 01:15:35,616 --> 01:15:37,116 ...roles in the history of film. 1460 01:15:37,618 --> 01:15:39,578 And I, Jackie Burke... 1461 01:15:39,995 --> 01:15:41,535 ...was with you all the way. 1462 01:15:41,705 --> 01:15:42,785 [COUGHING] 1463 01:15:42,956 --> 01:15:45,036 ♪ All the way ♪ 1464 01:15:45,209 --> 01:15:46,749 ♪ All the way ♪ 1465 01:15:46,919 --> 01:15:51,169 When you played the title role in The Battleship Potemkin... 1466 01:15:51,340 --> 01:15:55,590 ...I was one of the sailors you took on. 1467 01:15:55,761 --> 01:15:59,931 Remember me? I came in your porthole. 1468 01:16:00,098 --> 01:16:01,678 [ALL LAUGHING] 1469 01:16:01,850 --> 01:16:04,140 Then we were reunited. 1470 01:16:04,311 --> 01:16:06,401 Who could ever forget when we were together... 1471 01:16:06,563 --> 01:16:09,573 ...in the original Poseidon Adventure? You as the Poseidon. 1472 01:16:09,733 --> 01:16:12,243 - Me as the cabin boy. - You were the cabin boy. 1473 01:16:12,402 --> 01:16:14,662 You know. You remember. 1474 01:16:15,072 --> 01:16:16,662 - Remember my audition? - Yeah. 1475 01:16:16,823 --> 01:16:18,833 [BLUBBERING] 1476 01:16:19,409 --> 01:16:21,659 Yes, and you got the part. 1477 01:16:21,870 --> 01:16:23,250 [ALL LAUGHING] 1478 01:16:23,747 --> 01:16:26,037 JACKIE: And I went down with the ship. 1479 01:16:27,084 --> 01:16:30,004 Yes, May Conner, you chewed a lot of scenery... 1480 01:16:30,170 --> 01:16:31,710 - ...in your time. - I certainly did. 1481 01:16:31,880 --> 01:16:34,170 - And swallowed. - Whoa! 1482 01:16:36,677 --> 01:16:37,677 [COUGHING] 1483 01:16:37,886 --> 01:16:42,716 May Conner: star, philanthropist, Oscar winner... 1484 01:16:42,891 --> 01:16:45,311 ...and record holder for fucking more young boys... 1485 01:16:45,477 --> 01:16:47,477 ...than the entire Los Angeles Archdiocese. 1486 01:16:47,646 --> 01:16:49,436 [GROANS AND LAUGHTER] 1487 01:16:49,606 --> 01:16:51,396 - You are really something. - Jackie. Stop. 1488 01:16:51,566 --> 01:16:54,856 It's okay, May. It's okay. Don't worry. D'Angelo's not coming back. 1489 01:16:55,028 --> 01:16:57,818 He's just touching you now, but he's gonna go away. May? 1490 01:16:57,990 --> 01:17:00,660 Seriously, May? An orgasm now? 1491 01:17:00,867 --> 01:17:03,997 [COUGHING AND GASPING] 1492 01:17:04,454 --> 01:17:05,794 WOMAN 2: What's happening? 1493 01:17:05,956 --> 01:17:07,916 - WOMAN 3: Oh, my God. - WOMAN 2: Is she all right? 1494 01:17:08,083 --> 01:17:11,003 - May, you okay? - Uh... 1495 01:17:12,004 --> 01:17:14,094 - MAN 1: Give her some water. - MAN 2: No, no, no. 1496 01:17:14,256 --> 01:17:15,586 Get a doctor. 1497 01:17:15,757 --> 01:17:17,047 JACKIE: May... 1498 01:17:17,217 --> 01:17:18,837 WOMAN 1: Somebody do something. 1499 01:17:19,011 --> 01:17:20,851 I'm not sure if this is... 1500 01:17:21,013 --> 01:17:24,433 Is there a doctor in the house? Seriously. We need a doctor. 1501 01:17:24,599 --> 01:17:25,979 Come up here immediately. 1502 01:17:26,143 --> 01:17:28,733 - Don't block these aisles. - MAN 2: Call a medic! 1503 01:17:29,730 --> 01:17:30,810 Stay in your places. 1504 01:17:31,857 --> 01:17:34,277 - MAN 4: Somebody... - Get her back. Get her back. 1505 01:17:34,901 --> 01:17:36,191 Somebody, aspirin. 1506 01:17:36,361 --> 01:17:38,361 - Get some aspirin. - MAN 5: Get the defibrillator! 1507 01:17:38,530 --> 01:17:39,660 You killed. 1508 01:17:39,823 --> 01:17:42,083 MAN 3: Should someone call 911? 1509 01:17:42,242 --> 01:17:44,492 I didn't get to my best stuff. 1510 01:17:44,661 --> 01:17:45,911 [♪♪♪] 1511 01:17:46,121 --> 01:17:50,211 Three-time Oscar winner and six-time Emmy winner, May Conner... 1512 01:17:50,375 --> 01:17:53,665 ...suffered a fatal heart attack on stage at 11:00 tonight... 1513 01:17:53,837 --> 01:17:55,127 ...at the Edison Ballroom. 1514 01:17:55,297 --> 01:17:59,547 The 95-year-old Conner was taken by ambulance to Mt. Sinai Hospital... 1515 01:17:59,718 --> 01:18:02,008 ...where she was pronounced dead on arrival. 1516 01:18:02,179 --> 01:18:03,969 The legendary actress-comedienne... 1517 01:18:04,139 --> 01:18:06,849 ...was the honoree at tonight's Friars Club Tribute. 1518 01:18:07,017 --> 01:18:09,727 New York One's Jaime Puckett was there and spoke afterward... 1519 01:18:09,895 --> 01:18:12,395 ...with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo. 1520 01:18:12,564 --> 01:18:15,654 We lost a great one tonight. I'm, uh... 1521 01:18:17,819 --> 01:18:19,739 ...devastated. 1522 01:18:20,238 --> 01:18:23,278 May and I were more than just... Fans all over the world will be mourning. 1523 01:18:23,450 --> 01:18:26,540 She was, truly, America's Queen of Comedy. 1524 01:18:26,703 --> 01:18:31,213 Family members requested that the Friars cancel the broadcast... 1525 01:18:31,375 --> 01:18:32,875 ...and, of course, we agreed. 1526 01:18:33,877 --> 01:18:35,747 [♪♪♪] 1527 01:18:56,024 --> 01:18:58,904 So nothing in New York. Nothing in the tristate area. 1528 01:18:59,069 --> 01:19:03,529 We have three offers for appearances. In Wisconsin is a Democratic fundraiser. 1529 01:19:03,698 --> 01:19:05,278 Wisconsin in February? Next. 1530 01:19:05,450 --> 01:19:09,120 Then a three-day master-comedy class seminar at SOAS College. 1531 01:19:09,287 --> 01:19:11,287 - What's SOAS College? - It's in London. 1532 01:19:11,456 --> 01:19:14,286 The last one you're not gonna like, but it pays the most. 1533 01:19:14,459 --> 01:19:16,459 It's a television-classics autograph convention... 1534 01:19:16,628 --> 01:19:19,798 - ...in West Palm Beach doing Eddie. - What are the Democrats paying? 1535 01:19:19,965 --> 01:19:21,335 Three thousand, plus expenses. 1536 01:19:21,508 --> 01:19:25,048 The Republicans would pay a lot more, but who wants to do it for them? 1537 01:19:25,220 --> 01:19:26,600 So, what about London? 1538 01:19:26,763 --> 01:19:28,603 Five thousand, but you pay for your ticket. 1539 01:19:28,765 --> 01:19:31,225 - What about Florida? - Twenty-five thousand, plus expenses. 1540 01:19:31,393 --> 01:19:32,443 [PHONE RINGS] 1541 01:19:32,602 --> 01:19:34,022 I gotta take that. 1542 01:19:34,855 --> 01:19:36,765 - Yeah. - For you. 1543 01:19:37,691 --> 01:19:40,531 WAITRESS: Here's your number seven. Hold the Russian dressing. 1544 01:19:40,694 --> 01:19:41,864 MAN: What are you doing after work? 1545 01:19:42,028 --> 01:19:44,488 - She deserted you? - JACKIE: No, she's gonna come back. 1546 01:19:44,656 --> 01:19:45,696 FLO: Cool it, Casanova. 1547 01:19:45,866 --> 01:19:47,776 MAN: Flo, we were joshing. 1548 01:19:47,951 --> 01:19:50,041 - FLO: Excuse me? - MAN: All right. I'll get the number seven. 1549 01:19:50,203 --> 01:19:52,213 You got 30 days, I got life. 1550 01:19:52,372 --> 01:19:54,502 Does she know? About the money? 1551 01:19:54,666 --> 01:19:56,286 - Yes. - Gonna take a while to pay you back. 1552 01:19:56,460 --> 01:20:00,460 No. She knows, and we both agree, we don't want you to pay us back. 1553 01:20:00,630 --> 01:20:02,470 What does that mean? You can't... 1554 01:20:02,632 --> 01:20:05,642 What it means is I don't have to do this anymore. You understand? 1555 01:20:05,802 --> 01:20:08,352 I'm through with this. I'm done with this. 1556 01:20:08,513 --> 01:20:12,683 You don't come back anymore and ask for anything ever again. 1557 01:20:12,851 --> 01:20:15,191 - What are you so mad about? - [WHISPERS] I'm not mad. 1558 01:20:15,353 --> 01:20:18,573 [IN NORMAL VOICE] But people don't change. People never change. 1559 01:20:18,732 --> 01:20:21,322 They are what they are, and that's that. 1560 01:20:21,485 --> 01:20:23,315 What is this? 1561 01:20:24,070 --> 01:20:27,820 [WHISPERS] You see how it is with her? Like, you've become a thing. 1562 01:20:27,991 --> 01:20:29,371 Oh, I'm a thing now? 1563 01:20:29,534 --> 01:20:32,044 You're a thing, I can't take it, I can't do it anymore. 1564 01:20:32,204 --> 01:20:33,714 I can't take the aggravation. 1565 01:20:33,872 --> 01:20:35,922 I don't know what to say. 1566 01:20:36,082 --> 01:20:39,292 I'm so fucking aggravated. I'm trying to get something going here. 1567 01:20:39,461 --> 01:20:42,381 By the way, I thought you killed at the wedding. You killed. 1568 01:20:42,547 --> 01:20:44,967 You smashed. You knocked it out of the park. 1569 01:20:45,133 --> 01:20:47,723 - It was... I had fun doing it. - Brittany loved it. 1570 01:20:47,886 --> 01:20:49,176 She was never happier. 1571 01:20:49,346 --> 01:20:50,636 Oh, good. Well, that's good. 1572 01:20:50,805 --> 01:20:52,845 That's what it's all about, for her, you know? 1573 01:20:53,016 --> 01:20:55,266 If you're ever playing anywhere, you let me know. 1574 01:20:55,435 --> 01:20:58,055 - I'll come, we'll have a beer. - Okay. That, I appreciate. 1575 01:20:58,230 --> 01:20:59,770 - Okay? - Yeah. 1576 01:21:00,232 --> 01:21:01,652 See you. 1577 01:21:01,816 --> 01:21:03,686 I'll call you tomorrow. 1578 01:21:04,861 --> 01:21:06,281 Okay. 1579 01:21:06,446 --> 01:21:09,816 So, what's it gonna be? Wisconsin, London or Florida? 1580 01:21:11,201 --> 01:21:13,791 [♪♪♪] 1581 01:21:51,491 --> 01:21:53,031 [CROWD APPLAUDING] 1582 01:21:53,201 --> 01:21:54,871 MAN: Wow, what a beautiful audience. 1583 01:21:55,036 --> 01:21:58,826 I wanna say before we start, I've been looking forward to this performance... 1584 01:21:58,999 --> 01:22:04,339 ...more than any other because being here with you makes me feel alive. 1585 01:22:04,796 --> 01:22:06,876 ♪ Somebody hold me too close ♪ 1586 01:22:07,090 --> 01:22:08,630 Sing along if you know the words. 1587 01:22:08,800 --> 01:22:11,390 ♪ Somebody hurt me too deep ♪ 1588 01:22:11,803 --> 01:22:13,853 ♪ Somebody sit in my... ♪ 1589 01:22:14,014 --> 01:22:15,564 Chair. 1590 01:22:16,891 --> 01:22:22,481 - ♪ And make me aware of being alive ♪ - ♪ Alive ♪ 1591 01:22:23,148 --> 01:22:27,358 ♪ Being alive ♪ 1592 01:22:28,069 --> 01:22:30,779 ♪ Somebody need me too much ♪ 1593 01:22:31,781 --> 01:22:34,661 ♪ Somebody know me too well ♪ 1594 01:22:35,201 --> 01:22:39,541 ♪ Somebody pull me up short And put me through hell ♪ 1595 01:22:39,706 --> 01:22:45,706 ♪ And give me support For being alive ♪ 1596 01:22:45,879 --> 01:22:51,719 ♪ Make me alive Make me confused ♪ 1597 01:22:51,885 --> 01:22:53,465 What is that? 1598 01:22:53,845 --> 01:22:55,385 Look who's here. 1599 01:22:55,555 --> 01:22:58,805 The laugh-a-minute. What the fuck are you doing here? 1600 01:22:58,975 --> 01:23:01,685 I just came by to say hello. 1601 01:23:01,853 --> 01:23:04,313 - Passing through. - Oh, could you say goodbye? 1602 01:23:04,481 --> 01:23:06,821 ♪ Somebody let me come through ♪ 1603 01:23:07,025 --> 01:23:09,485 Uh. Just calm down. It's okay. I'm just visiting. 1604 01:23:09,653 --> 01:23:12,493 Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. 1605 01:23:12,656 --> 01:23:14,906 Eddie. Is that you? 1606 01:23:15,659 --> 01:23:18,119 Aren't you Eddie from Eddie's Home? 1607 01:23:18,286 --> 01:23:20,706 I'm such a fan of yours. 1608 01:23:20,872 --> 01:23:23,792 - No. No. It's okay. - Oh, I love it. I just love you. 1609 01:23:25,126 --> 01:23:30,006 ♪ Alive ♪♪ 1610 01:23:30,840 --> 01:23:31,970 Thank you! 1611 01:23:32,133 --> 01:23:33,803 Oh, thank you so much. 1612 01:23:33,968 --> 01:23:36,298 Thank you so, so much. 1613 01:23:36,471 --> 01:23:39,141 - That was sweet. - DEVIN: Thank you so, so much. 1614 01:23:39,307 --> 01:23:40,477 Thank you so much. 1615 01:23:40,642 --> 01:23:41,892 - You know... - WOMAN: Nice. 1616 01:23:42,060 --> 01:23:45,940 ...it isn't often enough that we take the time to hear the stories... 1617 01:23:46,106 --> 01:23:48,316 ...and listen to the wisdom of our elders. 1618 01:23:48,483 --> 01:23:51,153 So I wanna come down and get to know some of you wonderful people. 1619 01:23:51,319 --> 01:23:53,569 Let's start with you, young lady. What's your name? 1620 01:23:53,738 --> 01:23:55,568 - Adele. - Hello, Adele. 1621 01:23:55,740 --> 01:23:57,450 Tell us a little about yourself. 1622 01:23:57,659 --> 01:24:01,579 Um, I was a gym teacher for 42 years. 1623 01:24:01,746 --> 01:24:03,746 Oh, my God. I can't believe it. 1624 01:24:03,915 --> 01:24:06,325 - I'm gonna tell everybody. - DEVIN: You look terrific. 1625 01:24:06,501 --> 01:24:07,841 See him? Eddie. 1626 01:24:08,002 --> 01:24:09,962 - Why are you here? - What do you mean? 1627 01:24:10,130 --> 01:24:12,970 - What are you doing here? - I'm here. I just told your father. 1628 01:24:13,133 --> 01:24:16,683 - What, is Alzheimer's contagious? - Your punch lines for us are over. 1629 01:24:16,845 --> 01:24:18,425 Can you give us a sec? 1630 01:24:18,596 --> 01:24:20,716 DEVIN: Oh, thank you. Thank you so, so much. 1631 01:24:20,890 --> 01:24:23,350 Let's go over here. What's your name, miss? 1632 01:24:23,518 --> 01:24:25,558 - Look. Look who's there. - WOMAN: I am Miriam. 1633 01:24:25,729 --> 01:24:27,979 - DEVIN: Tell us a little about yourself. - Eddie. 1634 01:24:28,148 --> 01:24:30,358 Well, I was a dancer. 1635 01:24:30,942 --> 01:24:32,532 I was on Broadway once. 1636 01:24:32,777 --> 01:24:34,947 - MAN: Eddie. - Ohh! Broadway star. 1637 01:24:35,113 --> 01:24:36,163 MAC: What's new, Esther? 1638 01:24:36,322 --> 01:24:39,122 - I can't believe Eddie's here. - DEVIN: Right here in our midst. 1639 01:24:39,284 --> 01:24:42,204 - Can I have your autograph? - Why did you show up without calling? 1640 01:24:42,370 --> 01:24:45,290 Well, I didn't. I called you before and you never answered me. 1641 01:24:45,457 --> 01:24:49,457 You never got back to me once. I thought I'd come say hello since I was down here. 1642 01:24:49,627 --> 01:24:51,547 Go out there, big shot. They want you. 1643 01:24:51,713 --> 01:24:53,723 I'm not fucking going out there. You go. 1644 01:24:53,882 --> 01:24:56,512 Come on. You're an entertainer. Give them what they want. 1645 01:24:56,676 --> 01:25:00,176 - Come on. - You do it, buddy. You go up and do it. 1646 01:25:00,597 --> 01:25:02,347 Yeah, but you can't just show up here. 1647 01:25:02,515 --> 01:25:05,185 I just came here for business. A convention. 1648 01:25:05,351 --> 01:25:06,691 You had a convention? 1649 01:25:06,853 --> 01:25:09,273 - I'm going to a convention. - You're just... 1650 01:25:09,439 --> 01:25:11,019 Well, you should've called... 1651 01:25:11,191 --> 01:25:12,321 - ...and not... - What's wrong? 1652 01:25:13,151 --> 01:25:15,571 - Nothing's wrong. - After I left those messages... 1653 01:25:15,737 --> 01:25:17,737 ...so many messages, you didn't call me once. 1654 01:25:17,906 --> 01:25:20,446 - You... - I texted you, you didn't answer the text. 1655 01:25:20,617 --> 01:25:22,327 No. Really, I've just been so busy. 1656 01:25:22,494 --> 01:25:24,664 Okay. I understand that, but I'm here now. 1657 01:25:24,829 --> 01:25:27,459 Thought I'd take you to dinner. How about tomorrow night? 1658 01:25:27,624 --> 01:25:29,964 That's fine. Just call before you show up like that. 1659 01:25:30,126 --> 01:25:33,166 MAC: Okay. Let's have a hand for Devin O'Connor. 1660 01:25:34,506 --> 01:25:35,626 Thank you. 1661 01:25:35,799 --> 01:25:38,679 - Great performance. Folks... - WOMAN: Good job, honey. Thank you. 1662 01:25:38,843 --> 01:25:42,013 ...I've got a really big surprise for you now. 1663 01:25:42,180 --> 01:25:44,350 - Just in from New York... - Oh, no. 1664 01:25:44,516 --> 01:25:48,596 - ...television star and personal friend: - This guy. 1665 01:25:48,770 --> 01:25:52,320 - Eddie from Eddie's Home. - MAN: See? 1666 01:25:53,316 --> 01:25:56,026 MAC: That's right. Eddie from Eddie's Home. 1667 01:25:56,194 --> 01:26:00,324 Don't go out there. No. This isn't... This is not your crowd. 1668 01:26:00,490 --> 01:26:01,870 They don't like comedy. 1669 01:26:02,033 --> 01:26:03,453 MAC: Let's bring him up here. 1670 01:26:03,618 --> 01:26:05,908 - If you want to, you can, but... - MAC: Come on. 1671 01:26:06,079 --> 01:26:07,909 - ...it's not a good idea. - MAC: Yeah. 1672 01:26:08,081 --> 01:26:09,791 Now your father's my best friend. 1673 01:26:09,958 --> 01:26:11,998 MAC: Yes. Can you believe it? 1674 01:26:12,377 --> 01:26:14,377 [CLAPPING AND CHEERING] 1675 01:26:15,255 --> 01:26:17,915 Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here. Happy to be here. 1676 01:26:18,091 --> 01:26:21,641 And I wanna thank my new best friend, Mac Schiltz. 1677 01:26:22,053 --> 01:26:24,643 Only he knows how close we really are. 1678 01:26:24,806 --> 01:26:27,726 Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer? 1679 01:26:28,560 --> 01:26:29,980 - Yeah. - Come sit on my lap. 1680 01:26:30,144 --> 01:26:31,864 I'll spin you around like a dreidel. 1681 01:26:32,021 --> 01:26:33,441 That was a Jewish joke. 1682 01:26:34,357 --> 01:26:37,357 My mother was a dancer. She worked at a gentleman's club. 1683 01:26:37,527 --> 01:26:39,237 She was a lap dancer. 1684 01:26:39,404 --> 01:26:41,784 You imagine how hard it was for me to nurse? 1685 01:26:42,240 --> 01:26:44,200 Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! 1686 01:26:44,409 --> 01:26:47,409 - Is that supposed to be funny? - It was supposed to be funny. 1687 01:26:47,579 --> 01:26:49,079 - You didn't like that? - Well... 1688 01:26:49,247 --> 01:26:51,117 Would you like me to do it another way? 1689 01:26:51,291 --> 01:26:52,331 [GOBBLES] 1690 01:26:52,500 --> 01:26:54,130 Like that? That's not funny to you? 1691 01:26:54,294 --> 01:26:56,674 - What kind of dancer were you? - I was a chorus girl. 1692 01:26:56,838 --> 01:26:58,668 A chorus girl. 1693 01:26:58,840 --> 01:27:01,590 - I always wanted to bang a chorus girl. - Join the club. 1694 01:27:01,759 --> 01:27:03,639 Oh, good comeback. 1695 01:27:03,803 --> 01:27:06,223 You're a good sport, Miriam. I like that. 1696 01:27:06,389 --> 01:27:07,929 Let's do a threesome: me, you and Adele. 1697 01:27:08,099 --> 01:27:09,889 [LAUGHING] 1698 01:27:10,059 --> 01:27:14,649 How about that? She was a gym teacher, so she'll do all the heavy lifting. 1699 01:27:14,814 --> 01:27:16,114 - Probably a dyke. - Oh! 1700 01:27:16,274 --> 01:27:17,784 JACKIE: That doesn't matter. 1701 01:27:17,942 --> 01:27:20,532 What's with these guys here? What's this group? 1702 01:27:20,695 --> 01:27:23,525 - You look like a street gang or something. - Yeah. That's us. 1703 01:27:23,698 --> 01:27:24,908 - What's your name? - Herman. 1704 01:27:25,074 --> 01:27:27,834 Herman. With a name like that, you must have got laid a lot. 1705 01:27:27,994 --> 01:27:29,794 Heh, heh, oh-ho. 1706 01:27:29,954 --> 01:27:34,384 I recognize you. I remember. I see you prowling all the discos and clubs here. 1707 01:27:34,542 --> 01:27:37,552 There's a lot of them in this part of the world. Good for you. 1708 01:27:37,712 --> 01:27:40,552 What about your porn? You guys have a porn collection? 1709 01:27:40,715 --> 01:27:42,175 Who's got the best pussy shots? 1710 01:27:42,342 --> 01:27:43,972 - Bernie. - JACKIE: Bernie. 1711 01:27:44,135 --> 01:27:46,295 - HERMAN: Yeah. - Now listen, I'm curious, Bernie. 1712 01:27:46,471 --> 01:27:48,891 Are you a breast man or tit man? 1713 01:27:49,057 --> 01:27:50,977 Leg man? Ass man? 1714 01:27:51,142 --> 01:27:52,602 - Whatever else? - Tuchuses. 1715 01:27:52,769 --> 01:27:54,689 - Tuchuses? - Yes. 1716 01:27:54,854 --> 01:27:56,404 [LAUGHING] 1717 01:27:57,523 --> 01:27:59,943 - Have you met Adele, the gym teacher? - Oh, yeah. 1718 01:28:00,109 --> 01:28:02,949 I know you two must have been fucking each other for a couple of years. 1719 01:28:03,112 --> 01:28:06,202 She used to be able to climb up a rope with just her ass. 1720 01:28:06,366 --> 01:28:07,776 Oh, no. 1721 01:28:08,660 --> 01:28:10,370 Adele, I found a live one. 1722 01:28:10,912 --> 01:28:12,042 No. 1723 01:28:12,205 --> 01:28:14,745 I think he's alive, hold on. Yeah. He's alive. 1724 01:28:14,916 --> 01:28:16,666 Still ticking. Where you going? 1725 01:28:16,834 --> 01:28:19,174 Hey, hey, fellow. Rip Van Winkle. 1726 01:28:19,337 --> 01:28:21,837 My name is Benjamin. I gotta go to the bathroom. 1727 01:28:22,006 --> 01:28:25,006 Benjamin, what do you have to do, number one or number two? 1728 01:28:28,262 --> 01:28:29,392 Uh-oh. 1729 01:28:29,555 --> 01:28:30,925 [JACKIE LAUGHING] 1730 01:28:31,307 --> 01:28:34,137 - Number three. - Oh. 1731 01:28:34,310 --> 01:28:35,900 - Number three? - Yeah. 1732 01:28:37,313 --> 01:28:38,403 Wow. 1733 01:28:38,564 --> 01:28:40,944 Number three. The big Mac Schiltz special. 1734 01:28:41,109 --> 01:28:42,939 [ALL LAUGHING] 1735 01:28:43,861 --> 01:28:46,531 Are you sure? I think you already did something there. 1736 01:28:46,698 --> 01:28:49,828 You know, I... Looks like you did number six there. 1737 01:28:50,868 --> 01:28:52,408 Jesus, or maybe it's up to eight. 1738 01:28:52,745 --> 01:28:54,905 [ALL LAUGHING] 1739 01:28:55,415 --> 01:28:58,035 Okay. I see you all like bathroom humor... 1740 01:28:58,209 --> 01:29:02,049 ...which is good because that's what I like. We're all thinking alike. 1741 01:29:02,213 --> 01:29:06,383 Look, I'm gonna do a song, and I'm gonna change the lyrics slightly. 1742 01:29:06,551 --> 01:29:08,801 So I think we'll have a little fun with that. It's called... 1743 01:29:08,970 --> 01:29:12,140 Well, you've all heard the song "Makin' Whoopee"? 1744 01:29:12,306 --> 01:29:16,016 So I'm just gonna change it a little, and when I point to you... 1745 01:29:16,185 --> 01:29:18,725 ...you go, "Not making poopie." 1746 01:29:18,896 --> 01:29:20,306 [ALL LAUGHING] 1747 01:29:20,481 --> 01:29:21,901 - Can we do that? - WOMAN: Okay. 1748 01:29:22,066 --> 01:29:23,896 One, two, three. Let's try it now: 1749 01:29:24,068 --> 01:29:26,738 ALL: ♪ Not makin' poopie ♪ 1750 01:29:26,904 --> 01:29:28,284 Okay. One more time. 1751 01:29:28,448 --> 01:29:31,698 Come on, you guys sound like you need a little coke to get you going. 1752 01:29:31,868 --> 01:29:33,908 One more time, one, two, three: 1753 01:29:34,078 --> 01:29:36,618 ALL: ♪ Not makin' poopie ♪ 1754 01:29:36,789 --> 01:29:37,999 Yeah! Okay. Great. 1755 01:29:38,166 --> 01:29:39,786 Here we go. Here it goes. 1756 01:29:39,959 --> 01:29:41,789 Maestro... 1757 01:29:42,128 --> 01:29:45,088 ♪ Another fear ♪ 1758 01:29:45,256 --> 01:29:47,506 ♪ Another year ♪ 1759 01:29:47,675 --> 01:29:49,755 ♪ Another enema ♪ 1760 01:29:49,927 --> 01:29:51,717 ♪ In your rear ♪ 1761 01:29:52,388 --> 01:29:53,848 ♪ Elimination ♪ 1762 01:29:54,182 --> 01:29:56,772 ♪ Constipation ♪ 1763 01:29:56,934 --> 01:29:58,104 ♪ Not makin'... ♪ 1764 01:29:58,269 --> 01:29:59,599 ALL: ♪ Poopie ♪ 1765 01:29:59,771 --> 01:30:00,811 Yeah. 1766 01:30:00,980 --> 01:30:04,940 ♪ Pee pee is fine Except if it leaks ♪ 1767 01:30:05,109 --> 01:30:08,739 ♪ What'd you expect From elderly freaks? ♪ 1768 01:30:10,073 --> 01:30:11,533 ♪ It's so abusive ♪ 1769 01:30:11,699 --> 01:30:14,369 ♪ Stools are elusive ♪ 1770 01:30:14,535 --> 01:30:15,575 ♪ Not makin' ♪ 1771 01:30:15,745 --> 01:30:18,035 Whoopee, not "poopie." 1772 01:30:19,040 --> 01:30:20,420 We're doing "poopie" here. 1773 01:30:20,583 --> 01:30:22,633 - I am not. - All right. 1774 01:30:22,794 --> 01:30:23,964 [LAUGHING AND CLAPPING] 1775 01:30:24,128 --> 01:30:25,458 Uh-oh. 1776 01:30:26,380 --> 01:30:29,010 We've got a killjoy in the house. 1777 01:30:29,175 --> 01:30:30,335 Okay. 1778 01:30:30,510 --> 01:30:32,470 ♪ You're on the toilet ♪ 1779 01:30:32,637 --> 01:30:34,847 ♪ From 9 to 5 ♪ 1780 01:30:35,014 --> 01:30:39,524 ♪ Holy shit It's good to be alive ♪ 1781 01:30:39,685 --> 01:30:41,345 ♪ It's all a breeze now ♪ 1782 01:30:41,854 --> 01:30:44,574 ♪ But please don't sneeze now ♪ 1783 01:30:44,732 --> 01:30:46,532 [MAKES FARTING NOISE] 1784 01:30:46,818 --> 01:30:48,948 ALL: ♪ You're making poopie ♪ 1785 01:30:49,362 --> 01:30:51,362 Big finish. 1786 01:30:51,531 --> 01:30:56,581 ♪ Not being loopy Better than whoopee ♪ 1787 01:30:56,744 --> 01:30:58,124 Everybody now. 1788 01:30:58,287 --> 01:31:02,327 ALL: ♪ I'm making poopie ♪♪ 1789 01:31:04,085 --> 01:31:05,665 Poopie. 1790 01:31:05,837 --> 01:31:07,047 Poopie. 1791 01:31:08,714 --> 01:31:12,394 ALL: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 1792 01:31:12,552 --> 01:31:14,972 JACKIE: Well, I hope nobody was offended here. 1793 01:31:15,138 --> 01:31:16,388 It was all in good fun. 1794 01:31:16,556 --> 01:31:21,976 In about 20 years, we're all gonna be dead, so let's celebrate while we can. 1795 01:31:22,436 --> 01:31:24,186 [♪♪♪] 1796 01:31:25,523 --> 01:31:27,533 [CHATTERING] 1797 01:31:34,365 --> 01:31:35,905 JACKIE: Thanks for coming. 1798 01:31:40,955 --> 01:31:43,915 I feel like I'm looking at myself in the mirror. 1799 01:31:44,083 --> 01:31:45,963 - What's your name? - Ted. 1800 01:31:46,127 --> 01:31:49,417 Are you still friends with the other actors, Arlene and your son? 1801 01:31:49,589 --> 01:31:51,669 - No. They all died. - Oh... 1802 01:31:51,841 --> 01:31:53,761 - Sorry. - Oh. 1803 01:31:54,302 --> 01:31:55,722 Boy, they were funny. 1804 01:31:55,887 --> 01:31:58,887 Funny. Funny. She was funny. He was funny. 1805 01:31:59,056 --> 01:32:00,096 Very funny. 1806 01:32:00,266 --> 01:32:02,306 - Can I ask you something? - Sure. 1807 01:32:02,476 --> 01:32:05,346 Do you still think the show is funny after all these years? 1808 01:32:06,063 --> 01:32:08,653 Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes... 1809 01:32:08,816 --> 01:32:11,396 ...but it wasn't always about the laughs. 1810 01:32:11,569 --> 01:32:13,529 Eddie could say the craziest things. 1811 01:32:13,696 --> 01:32:15,486 I think that's what I liked most. 1812 01:32:15,990 --> 01:32:17,160 Oh... 1813 01:32:17,366 --> 01:32:21,156 Can I just get one "Hey, Arlene" for my wife? Just one? 1814 01:32:21,329 --> 01:32:23,039 Yeah. Sure. 1815 01:32:24,415 --> 01:32:28,035 "Arlene, Eddie's home!" 1816 01:32:28,211 --> 01:32:31,341 I'm gonna kill the whole fucking family! 1817 01:32:31,505 --> 01:32:35,085 "Me, you and our little fruitcake son!" 1818 01:32:35,259 --> 01:32:37,469 MAN: Oh, my God. 1819 01:32:37,637 --> 01:32:40,507 - How's that? - That's what I'm talking about. 1820 01:32:40,681 --> 01:32:43,391 - You liked that? - Thanks for being Eddie. Ho! 1821 01:32:43,601 --> 01:32:45,391 [♪♪♪] 1822 01:32:58,616 --> 01:33:00,026 - Hey. - Hey, you ready? 1823 01:33:00,576 --> 01:33:01,576 Um... 1824 01:33:01,744 --> 01:33:06,004 I actually don't feel very good. I was thinking about staying in tonight. 1825 01:33:06,457 --> 01:33:08,877 - Okay. - Yeah. 1826 01:33:09,043 --> 01:33:11,553 - You all right? - Yeah. 1827 01:33:15,007 --> 01:33:16,587 Can I come in? 1828 01:33:17,510 --> 01:33:19,180 For a minute? 1829 01:33:19,762 --> 01:33:21,182 Sure. 1830 01:33:27,103 --> 01:33:28,603 You look nice. 1831 01:33:28,771 --> 01:33:30,611 Thanks. You too. 1832 01:33:30,773 --> 01:33:33,073 No, I don't. 1833 01:33:33,234 --> 01:33:35,194 Is everything okay? 1834 01:33:35,861 --> 01:33:37,151 Yeah, because we had... 1835 01:33:37,321 --> 01:33:41,661 We had such a good time, and now everything feels a little... 1836 01:33:41,826 --> 01:33:43,486 A little off. 1837 01:33:43,661 --> 01:33:45,331 I mean, do you have a boyfriend... 1838 01:33:45,496 --> 01:33:48,076 - ...or somebody you're seeing? - No. 1839 01:33:49,458 --> 01:33:50,668 No. 1840 01:33:51,544 --> 01:33:52,844 No. 1841 01:33:53,421 --> 01:33:54,631 Something that I did? 1842 01:33:54,797 --> 01:33:57,167 No, no, no. 1843 01:33:57,341 --> 01:33:58,761 No? 1844 01:34:02,388 --> 01:34:04,018 Well... 1845 01:34:05,141 --> 01:34:06,431 ...um... 1846 01:34:06,642 --> 01:34:08,142 ...I'm pregnant. 1847 01:34:11,147 --> 01:34:12,477 Hm. 1848 01:34:12,732 --> 01:34:14,532 You're pregnant. 1849 01:34:20,031 --> 01:34:21,661 Is it, uh...? 1850 01:34:23,492 --> 01:34:26,332 So...? It's me, you mean? 1851 01:34:28,539 --> 01:34:30,419 Yeah. Heh. 1852 01:34:30,583 --> 01:34:31,923 I know. 1853 01:34:32,084 --> 01:34:34,674 - You sure? - Yeah. 1854 01:34:34,837 --> 01:34:39,927 I mean, the timing's right, and I haven't been with anyone else, so... 1855 01:34:40,092 --> 01:34:42,972 You haven't been with anyone else? You gotta be honest with me. 1856 01:34:43,137 --> 01:34:45,387 Can you blame me? I gotta ask you. 1857 01:34:45,556 --> 01:34:47,386 I mean, I have to. 1858 01:34:51,395 --> 01:34:54,515 I've gotta make sure that it's my child. 1859 01:34:56,108 --> 01:34:57,488 Wow. 1860 01:34:58,152 --> 01:35:00,202 Okay. Um... 1861 01:35:01,781 --> 01:35:03,321 No. 1862 01:35:04,158 --> 01:35:06,288 It's yours. 1863 01:35:13,709 --> 01:35:15,919 Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. 1864 01:35:16,087 --> 01:35:19,007 - I'm not... - No. You're not as shocked as I am. 1865 01:35:19,173 --> 01:35:21,303 - Yeah, I am. - No, you're not. 1866 01:35:21,467 --> 01:35:24,797 Wow. Um... 1867 01:35:26,305 --> 01:35:28,215 You know, I wasn't gonna... 1868 01:35:28,391 --> 01:35:30,891 ...do this, and I made the appointment at the clinic... 1869 01:35:31,060 --> 01:35:34,520 ...and I drove myself down there, and I... 1870 01:35:35,356 --> 01:35:38,026 ...couldn't get out of the car. It was the weirdest thing. 1871 01:35:38,192 --> 01:35:42,412 I... I just kept thinking about... 1872 01:35:42,571 --> 01:35:47,411 ...the talk that we had and talking about my mom and I... 1873 01:35:48,077 --> 01:35:51,657 You know, I felt like I couldn't... 1874 01:35:51,831 --> 01:35:54,831 ...make this baby feel unwanted the way I was. 1875 01:35:55,000 --> 01:35:56,710 And I just... 1876 01:35:56,877 --> 01:35:58,337 I... 1877 01:35:58,504 --> 01:36:03,474 I feel like I'm never gonna have this opportunity again, you know, and... 1878 01:36:04,135 --> 01:36:07,045 ...so I'm gonna give it a shot... 1879 01:36:07,221 --> 01:36:10,141 ...and I'm excited. 1880 01:36:14,478 --> 01:36:16,898 So I have nothing to say about this? 1881 01:36:17,857 --> 01:36:19,147 What do you have to say? 1882 01:36:19,316 --> 01:36:21,486 Well, maybe I don't wanna be a father again. 1883 01:36:21,652 --> 01:36:24,822 Okay. Well, you don't have to be a father. Nobody's asking you. 1884 01:36:24,989 --> 01:36:28,409 But I'm gonna be the father and I'm gonna be an older father, which... 1885 01:36:28,576 --> 01:36:31,196 ...I don't expect you to understand, but I am. 1886 01:36:31,370 --> 01:36:34,920 I can't even guarantee how long I'll be around for the child. 1887 01:36:35,666 --> 01:36:38,206 I'm... Um... 1888 01:36:39,211 --> 01:36:42,211 Actually, it's me having the baby, not you... 1889 01:36:42,381 --> 01:36:45,971 ...and so you are, like I said, off the hook. 1890 01:36:46,135 --> 01:36:48,635 I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry. I'm not off the hook. 1891 01:36:48,804 --> 01:36:51,104 - Okay. I'm not asking you. - I'm not off the hook. 1892 01:36:51,265 --> 01:36:54,095 I'm the father, and you're telling me that I'm off the hook? 1893 01:36:54,268 --> 01:36:57,098 - No. This is... - You can't just decide this on your own. 1894 01:36:57,271 --> 01:36:59,191 - Doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. - I can. 1895 01:36:59,356 --> 01:37:02,356 - It does affect me. - And I just did decide. Thank you. 1896 01:37:02,526 --> 01:37:04,356 - Yes. I did decide this. - It affects me. 1897 01:37:04,528 --> 01:37:06,948 No. It doesn't. It doesn't affect you. 1898 01:37:07,114 --> 01:37:09,074 - It does. - You have nothing to do with it. 1899 01:37:09,241 --> 01:37:11,121 You have the baby, it doesn't affect me? 1900 01:37:11,285 --> 01:37:13,575 - You're not giving me any choice. - Okay, well... 1901 01:37:13,746 --> 01:37:17,576 You did have a choice! You just said you didn't wanna be a father. 1902 01:37:17,750 --> 01:37:21,960 I didn't say... I said, I don't know if I wanna be a father again. 1903 01:37:22,129 --> 01:37:25,379 That's fine. I don't want you to be! I don't need you to be! 1904 01:37:25,549 --> 01:37:29,299 If this hadn't happened, I'd run into you in five years. You'd be with a little kid. 1905 01:37:29,470 --> 01:37:31,970 You gonna tell me, "By the way, this is your child"? 1906 01:37:32,139 --> 01:37:34,769 - You didn't want anything to do with it! - Pregnant with my child... 1907 01:37:34,934 --> 01:37:37,104 - ...and you wouldn't tell me. - So fucking what?! 1908 01:37:37,269 --> 01:37:38,939 - There you go! - So fucking what?! 1909 01:37:39,104 --> 01:37:40,234 [PHONE RINGING] 1910 01:37:40,397 --> 01:37:42,937 - "Fuck you. I'll have the child." - You should get that. 1911 01:37:43,651 --> 01:37:46,281 This is... Unbelievable. 1912 01:37:46,445 --> 01:37:48,405 Ah, fuck. Fuck this. 1913 01:37:48,572 --> 01:37:50,742 This is fucking crazy. 1914 01:37:51,825 --> 01:37:54,785 Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna talk business when I'm here. 1915 01:37:54,954 --> 01:37:56,834 No. I don't wanna talk to you right now. 1916 01:37:56,997 --> 01:37:59,577 - Miller, what is it? What do you wanna...? - Goddamn it. 1917 01:37:59,959 --> 01:38:02,169 I don't have time to talk right now. What is it? 1918 01:38:02,336 --> 01:38:03,586 MILLER: You're viral again. 1919 01:38:03,754 --> 01:38:06,264 - What? - Yeah. Something about, uh, "poopie"? 1920 01:38:07,341 --> 01:38:09,971 And a bunch of retirees? 1921 01:38:10,469 --> 01:38:11,509 ♪ Holy shit ♪ 1922 01:38:11,679 --> 01:38:14,889 ♪ I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie ♪ 1923 01:38:15,057 --> 01:38:17,387 ♪ I'm makin' I'm makin' shit ♪ 1924 01:38:17,560 --> 01:38:21,310 ♪ I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie ♪ 1925 01:38:21,480 --> 01:38:25,030 Over three million views in eight hours, and it is still climbing. 1926 01:38:25,192 --> 01:38:27,902 You are on Kimmel. You're on Fallon. 1927 01:38:28,070 --> 01:38:30,240 So I got a call from Carol Bock from RAW TV. 1928 01:38:30,406 --> 01:38:32,236 Carol Bock. What the fuck does she want? 1929 01:38:32,408 --> 01:38:34,868 She needs a host for a reality-show pilot. 1930 01:38:35,035 --> 01:38:37,115 It shoots on Monday in New York. 1931 01:38:37,288 --> 01:38:39,208 Monday... So soon? 1932 01:38:39,373 --> 01:38:41,963 They had D'Angelo signed. He had to drop out at the last minute. 1933 01:38:42,126 --> 01:38:43,706 Of course. He's got a better manager. 1934 01:38:43,877 --> 01:38:45,957 No, he got pancreatic cancer. 1935 01:38:47,631 --> 01:38:51,431 Timing is everything. Heh. Cancer. Who'd he steal that from? 1936 01:38:51,594 --> 01:38:53,014 [SNORES] 1937 01:38:53,178 --> 01:38:54,928 - Okay. I'm coming. - All right. Don't leave me hanging. 1938 01:38:55,097 --> 01:38:57,517 Yeah. I said, I'm coming! Yeah. 1939 01:39:00,728 --> 01:39:02,688 ♪ I'm making poopie ♪♪ 1940 01:39:02,855 --> 01:39:06,315 ♪ It's good to be alive ♪ 1941 01:39:06,483 --> 01:39:07,573 Yeah. 1942 01:39:07,735 --> 01:39:09,735 ♪ Makin' shit I'm makin' ♪ 1943 01:39:09,903 --> 01:39:10,953 ♪ I'm makin' ♪♪ 1944 01:39:11,113 --> 01:39:13,373 - BOTH: Poopie! - I'm makin' shit! 1945 01:39:15,784 --> 01:39:17,164 MAC: Well, well. 1946 01:39:17,328 --> 01:39:18,998 - Hey, Mac. - What have we here? 1947 01:39:19,163 --> 01:39:21,713 The comedian slithering out? 1948 01:39:21,874 --> 01:39:24,134 Look, I got a gig in New York. It's important. 1949 01:39:24,293 --> 01:39:25,593 Let me tell you something. 1950 01:39:25,753 --> 01:39:27,673 Back in the day, when I was making book... 1951 01:39:27,838 --> 01:39:31,678 ...I knew who was gonna lose and who was gonna win. I had an instinct. 1952 01:39:31,842 --> 01:39:34,682 The losers, I'd deposit their money before the race ran. 1953 01:39:34,845 --> 01:39:36,255 - Yeah? - Yeah. 1954 01:39:36,430 --> 01:39:38,850 You, my friend, are money in the bank. 1955 01:39:39,016 --> 01:39:41,306 Okay. So now you're saying I'm a loser? 1956 01:39:41,477 --> 01:39:43,397 Get the fuck out of here. 1957 01:39:43,562 --> 01:39:44,772 JACKIE: Hey, you know... 1958 01:39:44,938 --> 01:39:46,938 ...I hear you're gonna be a grandpa. 1959 01:39:47,691 --> 01:39:48,861 Wow! 1960 01:39:49,068 --> 01:39:51,738 Congratulations. That's exciting. 1961 01:39:51,904 --> 01:39:54,374 Just don't be surprised if the kid comes out of the womb... 1962 01:39:54,531 --> 01:39:57,701 ...with a mic, doing dick jokes. You know what I mean? 1963 01:39:59,161 --> 01:40:00,831 - See you at the bris. - Look around. 1964 01:40:00,996 --> 01:40:04,116 - There's people everywhere. - "Arlene." Why don't you work on that? 1965 01:40:04,291 --> 01:40:06,711 Because it really sucked the way you did it. 1966 01:40:06,877 --> 01:40:09,337 "Arlene." That's how you do it, schmuck. 1967 01:40:09,838 --> 01:40:11,838 Get it right next time. Work on it. 1968 01:40:12,007 --> 01:40:14,387 "Arlene. Arlene. 1969 01:40:14,551 --> 01:40:15,891 Arlene." 1970 01:40:16,053 --> 01:40:19,013 ANNOUNCER: From New York City, RAW TV... 1971 01:40:19,181 --> 01:40:21,391 ...the game-changer in innovative television... 1972 01:40:21,558 --> 01:40:26,148 ...brings you Say Uncle, a new experiment in jeopardy... 1973 01:40:26,313 --> 01:40:30,323 ...starring the king of shock comedians, Jackie Burke. 1974 01:40:30,484 --> 01:40:34,204 Hello, everybody. Welcome to Say Uncle. 1975 01:40:34,363 --> 01:40:36,283 I'm your host, Jackie Burke. 1976 01:40:36,448 --> 01:40:39,948 Each week on Say Uncle, we find out if you have what it takes... 1977 01:40:40,119 --> 01:40:45,329 ...to take the pain and win cash and prizes, or will you say uncle... 1978 01:40:45,499 --> 01:40:49,249 ...and go home empty-handed, disappointing your family... 1979 01:40:49,420 --> 01:40:51,000 ...and crushing your dreams? 1980 01:40:51,171 --> 01:40:55,051 Our first contestant is Mark Chapel from Brookline, Massachusetts. 1981 01:40:56,218 --> 01:40:57,638 How you doing today, Mark? 1982 01:40:57,803 --> 01:40:59,433 Hi. Great. 1983 01:41:01,056 --> 01:41:05,186 This week, we take you to bayou country where it's man against nature. 1984 01:41:05,352 --> 01:41:08,772 Or in this case, Mark against hundreds of pissed-off crawfish. 1985 01:41:08,981 --> 01:41:10,071 AUDIENCE: Ooh. 1986 01:41:10,274 --> 01:41:12,784 Look what we have for you, Mark. 1987 01:41:13,235 --> 01:41:15,775 A couple of nice ones. 1988 01:41:15,946 --> 01:41:17,356 Here we go. 1989 01:41:17,531 --> 01:41:19,531 Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Got you. 1990 01:41:19,700 --> 01:41:23,120 These pincers can inflict a lot of pain and damage. 1991 01:41:23,829 --> 01:41:25,369 You sure you're up to this, Mark? 1992 01:41:25,539 --> 01:41:26,959 Bring it on, Uncle Jackie. 1993 01:41:27,124 --> 01:41:31,134 Right now, our two bayou babes, each married to close relatives... 1994 01:41:31,295 --> 01:41:33,755 ...are helping Mark into a swamp pirogue. 1995 01:41:33,922 --> 01:41:35,472 That was my idea. 1996 01:41:35,632 --> 01:41:37,092 - The crawfish. - The crawfish... 1997 01:41:37,259 --> 01:41:39,139 ...and the bayou babes. That was me. 1998 01:41:39,303 --> 01:41:42,393 Don't forget, if you last two minutes with these hungry crawfish... 1999 01:41:42,556 --> 01:41:45,176 ...you'll win this new hybrid car... 2000 01:41:46,226 --> 01:41:51,056 ...a Caribbean vacation for you and your entire family... 2001 01:41:51,690 --> 01:41:55,320 ...and $10,000 in cash! 2002 01:41:56,528 --> 01:41:58,028 - We got it. - Okay. 2003 01:41:58,197 --> 01:42:00,817 Are you sure you're ready for the bayou challenge, Mark? 2004 01:42:01,575 --> 01:42:02,865 Yes, Uncle Jackie. 2005 01:42:03,035 --> 01:42:05,075 Okay. Let's start the clock. 2006 01:42:05,245 --> 01:42:06,285 [CLOCK DINGS] 2007 01:42:06,455 --> 01:42:09,035 Crawfish, it's dinnertime. 2008 01:42:09,249 --> 01:42:10,749 [AUDIENCE GROANING] 2009 01:42:12,252 --> 01:42:13,672 [NERVOUS LAUGHTER] 2010 01:42:14,254 --> 01:42:17,674 That doesn't look so bad to me. I've stayed in worse motels. 2011 01:42:17,841 --> 01:42:23,851 Though I have to say, these bedbugs are on the large size. 2012 01:42:24,014 --> 01:42:25,604 Even by New York standards. 2013 01:42:25,766 --> 01:42:29,346 Bayou babes, bring in reinforcements. 2014 01:42:29,520 --> 01:42:31,480 [YELLING] 2015 01:42:31,647 --> 01:42:34,647 JACKIE: Wow! I thought having crabs was bad. 2016 01:42:35,526 --> 01:42:38,946 I'm not as much of a man as you are, Mark. I've gotta hand it to you. 2017 01:42:39,112 --> 01:42:41,202 You got a lot of chutzpah and a lot of balls. 2018 01:42:41,365 --> 01:42:42,695 Oh! I think one bit me. 2019 01:42:42,866 --> 01:42:44,366 Ouch! 2020 01:42:44,910 --> 01:42:48,210 Oh, first bite. Let's hope those other mudbugs don't catch on. 2021 01:42:48,372 --> 01:42:50,752 - Ahh! - Twenty-four seconds, Mark. 2022 01:42:50,916 --> 01:42:53,086 - Hang in there. Hang in there. - Ow! Ow-ow! 2023 01:42:53,252 --> 01:42:55,502 Think of the cash, the money, the vacation. 2024 01:42:55,671 --> 01:42:58,301 [SCREAMING] 2025 01:42:58,549 --> 01:43:01,049 JACKIE: You're gonna make it. You're gonna make it. 2026 01:43:01,218 --> 01:43:02,718 He's never gonna make it. 2027 01:43:02,886 --> 01:43:06,516 You're almost there, Mark. Keep it going. Think of the money. 2028 01:43:06,682 --> 01:43:09,352 - Uncle! Uncle! - Oh! 2029 01:43:09,560 --> 01:43:11,140 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 2030 01:43:11,311 --> 01:43:12,771 Uncle! 2031 01:43:12,938 --> 01:43:14,358 Mark! 2032 01:43:15,190 --> 01:43:16,230 MAN: Loser! 2033 01:43:16,441 --> 01:43:17,441 Ha! 2034 01:43:17,609 --> 01:43:19,319 [PEOPLE BOOING] 2035 01:43:19,778 --> 01:43:21,238 Aw... 2036 01:43:22,322 --> 01:43:23,572 Oh. 2037 01:43:23,740 --> 01:43:25,450 You're a disappointment, Mark. 2038 01:43:25,617 --> 01:43:27,827 [WHISPERS] You okay? You all right? 2039 01:43:27,995 --> 01:43:30,405 It's all right. It's okay. It's okay. 2040 01:43:30,581 --> 01:43:31,581 Okay. 2041 01:43:31,748 --> 01:43:32,918 [CLOCK TOLLING] 2042 01:43:33,250 --> 01:43:36,210 I'm sorry. I tried. I really did. 2043 01:43:36,378 --> 01:43:40,508 WIFE: Oh... Honey, it's okay. I know. 2044 01:43:40,674 --> 01:43:43,144 - I'm sorry. - We love you. The kids love you. 2045 01:43:43,302 --> 01:43:44,642 MAN: You suck, Mark! 2046 01:43:45,637 --> 01:43:47,717 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Say Uncle will be right back. 2047 01:43:47,890 --> 01:43:51,020 But for me, I'd rather have Stevie Wonder shave my balls... 2048 01:43:51,184 --> 01:43:54,564 ...with a fucking butcher knife than be part of this fucking reality show. 2049 01:43:54,730 --> 01:43:59,780 This is Jackie Burke saying "uncle," and RAW TV, you can go fuck yourself. 2050 01:43:59,943 --> 01:44:01,533 - MAN: Ha-ha! - PEOPLE: Ooh. 2051 01:44:02,404 --> 01:44:03,494 Jackie. 2052 01:44:03,655 --> 01:44:06,695 I'm keeping the Safari jacket, in case I ever get booked in Africa. 2053 01:44:06,867 --> 01:44:08,327 Jackie. 2054 01:44:09,286 --> 01:44:10,326 [♪♪♪] 2055 01:44:10,495 --> 01:44:12,155 Sorry. 2056 01:44:18,128 --> 01:44:20,668 [♪♪♪] 2057 01:44:21,465 --> 01:44:23,545 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 2058 01:44:28,055 --> 01:44:32,475 MIRIAM: You know, my kid, he's over 6 feet tall. I hardly ever hear from him. 2059 01:44:32,643 --> 01:44:35,983 - But all of the stages are beautiful. - Yeah. 2060 01:44:36,146 --> 01:44:37,356 Oh, that lucky kid. 2061 01:44:37,522 --> 01:44:38,572 [LAUGHS] 2062 01:44:38,732 --> 01:44:39,782 Hey. 2063 01:44:40,651 --> 01:44:42,951 Where's the Florida sunshine? 2064 01:44:47,240 --> 01:44:48,990 [THUNDER CRASHING] 2065 01:44:50,702 --> 01:44:51,752 Hey. 2066 01:44:52,746 --> 01:44:54,826 Wow. Look at you. 2067 01:44:57,376 --> 01:44:59,086 Oh, ho, ho. 2068 01:44:59,252 --> 01:45:00,422 [HARMONY CHUCKLES] 2069 01:45:00,587 --> 01:45:02,207 This is a surprise. 2070 01:45:02,381 --> 01:45:03,801 Yeah. 2071 01:45:04,216 --> 01:45:05,796 You look beautiful. 2072 01:45:05,968 --> 01:45:07,588 Really great. 2073 01:45:13,725 --> 01:45:17,055 Look, I just wanted to talk to you. 2074 01:45:19,272 --> 01:45:21,192 See how you are. 2075 01:45:23,193 --> 01:45:25,403 It felt strange after the way we left things. 2076 01:45:26,238 --> 01:45:28,738 I was gonna call you, but it was... 2077 01:45:28,907 --> 01:45:30,527 It didn't feel good to do that. 2078 01:45:30,701 --> 01:45:34,541 So I just decided to come here, and I wanna give you this. 2079 01:45:34,705 --> 01:45:39,415 It's a bunch of mementos, family photographs, my family. 2080 01:45:40,502 --> 01:45:42,132 In case... 2081 01:45:42,713 --> 01:45:46,343 ...he or she would want to know things about... 2082 01:45:48,635 --> 01:45:49,965 ...me. 2083 01:45:50,137 --> 01:45:52,807 Of course. Ha-ha. 2084 01:45:52,973 --> 01:45:55,603 But just so you have it. In case. You never know. 2085 01:45:55,767 --> 01:45:57,267 And you do whatever you want. 2086 01:45:57,436 --> 01:45:59,646 If you want me to be involved... 2087 01:45:59,813 --> 01:46:02,153 ...in his or her life, fine. 2088 01:46:02,315 --> 01:46:05,395 If you don't, I won't like that, but I'll have to accept it. 2089 01:46:06,236 --> 01:46:07,396 Okay. 2090 01:46:07,571 --> 01:46:11,071 But I'm there. I want you to know, I'm there for you, for the kid. 2091 01:46:11,241 --> 01:46:14,241 That's the most important thing I want you to know. 2092 01:46:16,204 --> 01:46:19,334 I care about you a lot. You know that. 2093 01:46:20,751 --> 01:46:22,381 Okay. 2094 01:46:27,674 --> 01:46:29,224 Take care of yourself. 2095 01:46:29,384 --> 01:46:31,014 Let's hope the kid looks like me. 2096 01:46:31,178 --> 01:46:32,638 Ha. 2097 01:46:47,778 --> 01:46:50,238 [♪♪♪] 2098 01:47:33,907 --> 01:47:36,237 [CHATTERING] 2099 01:47:42,040 --> 01:47:44,040 Hey, Jackie. Jackie. 2100 01:47:44,376 --> 01:47:45,996 - Yeah. - ESTEE: Sit. 2101 01:47:46,461 --> 01:47:48,761 Sit. Join us. 2102 01:47:48,922 --> 01:47:50,632 Do you wanna go on tonight? 2103 01:47:50,799 --> 01:47:52,509 Any spot you want, just let me know. 2104 01:47:52,676 --> 01:47:55,676 Estee, why are you being so nice to me? There's something wrong. 2105 01:47:55,846 --> 01:47:58,516 Your video got more hits than 2 girls, 1 cup. It's fucking viral. 2106 01:47:58,682 --> 01:48:00,392 - Sit down. - Which video? What video? 2107 01:48:00,559 --> 01:48:02,769 JIM: That Say Uncle thing. Three in a row. 2108 01:48:02,936 --> 01:48:04,936 You're more viral than Charlie Sheen. 2109 01:48:05,105 --> 01:48:08,975 "This is Jackie Burke saying 'uncle, ' and RAW TV go fuck yourself." 2110 01:48:09,151 --> 01:48:11,441 - Fuck yourself. - JIM: Everyone saw it, man. 2111 01:48:11,611 --> 01:48:13,661 Six million views and counting. 2112 01:48:13,822 --> 01:48:16,122 Six million? But how did they get it out? 2113 01:48:16,283 --> 01:48:18,333 It was two months ago. 2114 01:48:19,077 --> 01:48:20,617 You got it out? 2115 01:48:20,954 --> 01:48:22,794 You finally did something good. 2116 01:48:23,331 --> 01:48:25,211 - To Jackie. - JIM: Congratulations, Jackie. 2117 01:48:25,375 --> 01:48:27,915 - You're back, you mean motherfucker. - NICK: Fist-bump it. 2118 01:48:28,086 --> 01:48:31,796 - Where's your drink? This is so weird. - JIM: Hey, where's my viral video? 2119 01:48:31,965 --> 01:48:33,875 - Punch me in the face? - Miller the Killer. 2120 01:48:34,050 --> 01:48:35,470 You... Miller the Killer. 2121 01:48:35,677 --> 01:48:37,257 [ALL LAUGHING] 2122 01:48:37,429 --> 01:48:39,099 HANNIBAL: Holy shit! 2123 01:48:39,264 --> 01:48:40,974 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 2124 01:48:41,141 --> 01:48:42,481 All right. 2125 01:48:42,642 --> 01:48:45,022 Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics. 2126 01:48:45,187 --> 01:48:46,807 If you got a handlebar mustache... 2127 01:48:46,980 --> 01:48:50,900 ...all I wanna hear you talk about is Slinkys and kazoos, and that's it. 2128 01:48:51,067 --> 01:48:52,987 You talk about kazoos for a few minutes... 2129 01:48:53,153 --> 01:48:55,573 ...then you gonna hop on a unicycle and juggle. 2130 01:48:55,739 --> 01:48:57,909 You carnival-faced motherfucker. 2131 01:48:58,116 --> 01:48:59,156 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 2132 01:48:59,326 --> 01:49:02,746 Are you guys ready for your next comedian? Make some noise. 2133 01:49:02,954 --> 01:49:04,334 Whoo! 2134 01:49:04,497 --> 01:49:07,877 You guys are a beautiful crowd. We have a surprise guest for tonight. 2135 01:49:08,043 --> 01:49:12,053 You might have seen him on RAW TV, snapping and telling them to fuck off. 2136 01:49:12,214 --> 01:49:15,474 Please welcome to the stage the great Jackie Burke, everybody. 2137 01:49:15,634 --> 01:49:17,434 Jackie Burke. 2138 01:49:17,636 --> 01:49:19,636 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 2139 01:49:27,479 --> 01:49:31,069 Yeah, give it up for Hannibal Buress. 2140 01:49:31,775 --> 01:49:34,485 ALL [CHANTING]: Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. 2141 01:49:36,279 --> 01:49:39,699 Thank you. Thank you very much, folks. Thank you. This is really nice. 2142 01:49:39,866 --> 01:49:42,036 Last time I heard "Jackie" chanted like that... 2143 01:49:42,202 --> 01:49:44,752 ...I was bent over in the shower at Nassau County Correctional. 2144 01:49:44,913 --> 01:49:46,503 [ALL LAUGHING] 2145 01:49:48,458 --> 01:49:51,798 Okay, Jackie. You're finally working at the Comedy Cellar again. 2146 01:49:51,962 --> 01:49:53,922 Don't fuck this up. 2147 01:49:54,089 --> 01:49:55,509 Don't curse too much. 2148 01:49:55,674 --> 01:49:57,594 Don't pull your dick out. 2149 01:49:58,009 --> 01:50:01,849 Don't attack anyone physically unless they really, really deserve it. 2150 01:50:03,723 --> 01:50:07,143 Well, looks like all my ex-wives were wrong. 2151 01:50:07,310 --> 01:50:08,520 The bitches. 2152 01:50:08,687 --> 01:50:11,517 Sometimes, it really does pay to be a total asshole. 2153 01:50:12,482 --> 01:50:15,442 And if I had known psychotic breakdowns were so entertaining... 2154 01:50:15,610 --> 01:50:18,570 ...I'd have just been myself all these years. 2155 01:50:18,738 --> 01:50:22,658 Oh, you know what? I forgot. I'm gonna be a dad. 2156 01:50:22,826 --> 01:50:24,156 Yeah. 2157 01:50:24,995 --> 01:50:28,615 You don't have to applaud. I know I'm fucking old. 2158 01:50:28,790 --> 01:50:31,630 I mean, halfway through pulling out, I fell asleep. 2159 01:50:32,335 --> 01:50:35,455 Before my sperm leaves my balls, it has to stop and ask directions. 2160 01:50:35,672 --> 01:50:37,552 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 2161 01:50:37,716 --> 01:50:41,636 Boy, you guys are great. It's nice to be in front of a young crowd like this. 2162 01:50:41,803 --> 01:50:43,603 Younger than dead. 2163 01:50:44,055 --> 01:50:46,305 I should hire you to come to all my gigs. 2164 01:50:47,475 --> 01:50:51,265 - How much do you pay? - I don't know... You? I... 2165 01:50:52,522 --> 01:50:53,522 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 2166 01:50:54,024 --> 01:50:56,654 Well, I don't know. I'd give you 10 for a hand-job... 2167 01:50:56,818 --> 01:50:59,238 ...and an extra 100 if you promise not to wreck it by talking. 2168 01:50:59,404 --> 01:51:00,994 [ALL LAUGHING] 2169 01:51:04,367 --> 01:51:06,537 ALL [CHANTING]: Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. 2170 01:51:07,120 --> 01:51:09,000 [CHANTING CONTINUES] 2171 01:51:09,289 --> 01:51:11,619 [♪♪♪] 2172 01:51:34,731 --> 01:51:41,281 ♪ Oh, say does that star-spangled banner Yet wave ♪ 2173 01:51:41,654 --> 01:51:45,914 ♪ O'er the land of the free ♪ 2174 01:51:46,076 --> 01:51:50,786 ♪ And the home of the... ♪♪ 2175 01:51:50,997 --> 01:51:52,497 You made it. 2176 01:51:52,665 --> 01:51:54,325 - The plane was delayed. - It's okay. 2177 01:51:54,501 --> 01:51:57,381 Okay, everyone. Have a seat, have a seat, and take a bow, Amaya. 2178 01:51:57,545 --> 01:52:00,045 Okay. Okay. Thank you. 2179 01:52:00,590 --> 01:52:02,340 - Great. Oh, isn't she cute? - Hi, Gary. 2180 01:52:02,509 --> 01:52:04,089 - Hey, Jackie. - We're next. 2181 01:52:04,260 --> 01:52:10,100 Our next very, very talented youngster we have is, Miss Ralli Berkowitz. 2182 01:52:10,266 --> 01:52:11,976 Come on out, Ralli. 2183 01:52:12,227 --> 01:52:13,897 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 2184 01:52:14,062 --> 01:52:15,942 [WHOOPING] 2185 01:52:16,773 --> 01:52:18,533 MAN: Oh, no. Here we go. 2186 01:52:19,609 --> 01:52:22,779 So, what's the deal with chores and allowances? 2187 01:52:22,946 --> 01:52:25,026 I turn 8, and my mom says: 2188 01:52:25,198 --> 01:52:28,448 "I'll give you $10 a week to make your room... 2189 01:52:28,618 --> 01:52:32,208 ...wash the dishes and clean the cat's litter box." 2190 01:52:32,372 --> 01:52:36,132 Ten dollars? That's slave labor. 2191 01:52:36,876 --> 01:52:38,586 [LAUGHING] 2192 01:52:39,212 --> 01:52:41,972 I go to our neighbor's house, and I say: 2193 01:52:42,132 --> 01:52:44,762 "What will you give me if I make your room... 2194 01:52:44,926 --> 01:52:48,466 ...wash your dishes and clean your cat's litter box?" 2195 01:52:48,638 --> 01:52:51,218 Neighbor says, "I don't have a cat." 2196 01:52:51,391 --> 01:52:53,981 So I piss in her hallway and say: 2197 01:52:54,144 --> 01:52:57,734 "You go to 15 a week, and I'll supply the pussy." 2198 01:52:57,939 --> 01:52:59,069 [ALL GASP] 2199 01:52:59,232 --> 01:53:01,192 MAN: Oh, my God. 2200 01:53:02,193 --> 01:53:04,453 WOMAN: Oh, my gosh. 2201 01:53:04,612 --> 01:53:06,612 This fucking thing on? 2202 01:53:06,823 --> 01:53:08,913 [CROWD GROANS] 2203 01:53:09,159 --> 01:53:10,739 TEACHER: Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay. 2204 01:53:10,910 --> 01:53:13,960 Very good. Thank you. Okay, sweetheart. Good. All right. 2205 01:53:14,122 --> 01:53:15,922 Okay. Right. 2206 01:53:16,082 --> 01:53:17,882 Thanks so much, Ralli. 2207 01:53:18,042 --> 01:53:19,462 Right. Thanks, honey. 2208 01:53:19,627 --> 01:53:22,047 All right. Wonderful. 2209 01:53:22,213 --> 01:53:23,803 And we have... 2210 01:53:23,965 --> 01:53:25,255 Did you teach her that? 2211 01:53:26,009 --> 01:53:28,929 I would never teach her anything like that. 2212 01:53:33,892 --> 01:53:37,692 ♪ Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide? ♪ 2213 01:53:37,854 --> 01:53:41,864 ♪ Would I lie to you, baby, Would I lie to you ♪ 2214 01:53:42,025 --> 01:53:43,225 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 2215 01:53:43,401 --> 01:53:46,861 ♪ Don't you know it's true Girl, there's no one else but you ♪ 2216 01:53:47,030 --> 01:53:50,950 ♪ Would I lie to you, baby, yeah ♪ 2217 01:53:53,077 --> 01:53:56,207 ♪ Everybody wants to know the truth ♪ 2218 01:53:57,457 --> 01:54:00,667 ♪ In my arms is the only proof ♪ 2219 01:54:01,711 --> 01:54:05,421 ♪ I gave my heart Behind the bedroom door ♪ 2220 01:54:06,716 --> 01:54:10,346 ♪ Now it's open I can't do no more ♪ 2221 01:54:10,887 --> 01:54:16,057 ♪ I'm telling you baby You will never find another girl ♪ 2222 01:54:16,226 --> 01:54:19,976 ♪ In this heart of mine Oh ♪ 2223 01:54:20,146 --> 01:54:24,066 ♪ Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide? ♪ 2224 01:54:24,234 --> 01:54:28,744 ♪ Would I lie to you, baby Would I lie to you ♪ 2225 01:54:29,155 --> 01:54:30,615 ♪ Whoo ♪ 2226 01:54:31,199 --> 01:54:32,909 ♪ Would I lie to you? ♪ 2227 01:54:33,076 --> 01:54:35,446 ♪ Will you want to see me Night and day ♪ 2228 01:54:35,703 --> 01:54:39,293 ♪ Would I lie to you Do you think I give my love away ♪ 2229 01:54:40,250 --> 01:54:44,670 ♪ Would I lie That's not the kind of game I play ♪♪ 2230 01:54:46,047 --> 01:54:48,927 [♪♪♪]